I once accidentally kissed my dad on the lips goodbye when I was leaving in a train. It was horrible and gross.

The man even sucks at cheating on his diet! Fucking spumoni?!

He’s a black belt in Hulk Smash.

Black Jesus rode into town on an ass......

Say goodbye to discomfort from dairy!

For maximum edge, I would have gone with sickle cell rather than diabetes, but otherwise, I loved the article.

You know, a weird thought just occurred to me: maybe, and hear me out on this one, but maybe they take high school football too seriously in Texas.

Wouldn’t free ketchup actually be commie? Charging for it is very American and capitalist.

worth noting it was actually bob odenkirk who wrote the matt foley bit.

Of course the fucking Canadian didn't respond with violence.

HALF CHORES OMG YESSS

What the fuck is wrong with the EMT’s there? I don’t expect shit from the cops they’re amoral scumbags who have no care for the lives of the people unfortunate enough to cross their sociopathic paths. However, the EMT’s are medically trained. They know damn well about positional asphyxia why the fuck would they put…

that would work to but only when he’s worked up

I used to be fun, but for some reason in the last few years my self consciousness has taken over so I spend my time trying hard to pretend NOT to be drunk. It's ridiculous!

Overrated. The Kung Fu Grip wasn’t even very good.

If the job was looking for a Dwight Schrute sort of person while asking you to describe yourself in 3 words... you’d be perfect!

If it’s a job opening for the next Expendables movie, you’d be a shoo-in. Just make sure your age column has something above 50.

She talks about what a nice person she was and how they played football together. She could have just ignored him. But she can’t gush over their shared memories in the middle of open court.

I mean, they aren’t tucked into a corner booth in a dimly lit diner confiding in each other. She’s at work.