And if that fails, you can then resort to a passive aggressive note: "To WHOEVER sexually assaulted me. If I had WANTED to have sex with you, I would have written YOUR name on my vagina. I'm not sure how you were confused about that, but IN THE FUTURE please do not have sex with."

There are a few other choice quotes from his opus that deserve unpacking:

Can someone PLEASE turn the stills into a gif on constant rotation?

If they really wanted to impress me with their slightly off-the-wall, homespun joie de vivre, they would have said that Brad Pitt played Here Comes the Bride on a kazoo.

VERY special.

You so 2000 and late:

I hope that sun damage continues to be a fashion trend because I have a weird mole on my shoulder that's a real show-stopper.

I've been with my partner for 14 years, and finally, people have stopped asking us when we're getting married. He has this one former co-worker, however, who, every year sends us a Christmas card addressed to Mr. and Mrs. His Name. Like, are you fucking kidding me with this? Do you know how many things you have wrong…

My friend reported that everyone was highly amused and embarrassed for the guy, but no one got bent out of shape.

This is story a friend told me, so I can't be sure that it's true, but my friend really is a medical researcher and he really did go to Haiti, so I assume it's true. Anyway, the story he told me was this: One of the doctors he worked with in Haiti came to the US to present at a medical conference. The doctor spoke…

God I'm so glad the gifs are back.

Can we make this lady fight with the salad-loving lady at the top for TOTAL SALAD LOVE DOMINANCE?

Hey ladies of Stanford - lock up your bike and your vayanya around Chris Herries. If it's not locked down, he might steal it.

I vote for Mariachi

I'm just relieved that one of the women's husband saw this go down because at least the prosecution has one credible witness.

That cookbook is awesome

God how did you keep your sanity with shit like that happening? I always wonder, when you hear about some zero-tolerance lunacy like "kid suspended for making a gun shape from a poptart" or what have you, if those stories make the news because they are the exception, but it sounds like they really aren't that rare.…

I have been dying for a Lindy West recap of this because I also watched this movie about zillion times as a kid, but seeing it again as an adult, I'm floored by the takeaway: namely that the HERO of the movie is an insanely wealthy shopaholic whose only real redemption is that she is nice to a bunch of…

That is this song's only possible path to redemption.