Since Ellie won’t tell us what the rumor is, here are a few for consideration:

I was raised by religious fundies and can believe it. Still a dick move, though.

Ted Cruz: Duck Hunt is, at least, phonetically accurate.

#notallundertakers

Damn it, Jezebel. Now I have to live the rest of my life with the knowledge that there is one positive thing about Ted Cruz.

Panton told Jezebel in an emailed statement. “Ted and I had many mutual friends who would usually stop by to watch movies, play video games, or even engage in long, fun discussions about politics, philosophy, and life.”

Been obsessed starting at a very young age. I do drunken ballet moves that only my dog sees.

Her lipstick is perfectly matched to that logo though (100% snark free comment)

I was obsessed with Breaking Pointe and then it never came back. People who can live their lives with that level of discipline fascinate me . . . as I sit on my couch eating kettle corn.

Dear Piers:

Why can’t tiny brained people understand the difference between a woman dressing like she knows she’s hot stuff and wanting to be sexualized? I mean, I think I answered my own question there. But, look, I love my boobs. Sometimes I wear certain things because to me it’s aesthetically pleasing. Doesn’t mean I want men…

MY FAINTING COUCH, JEEVES, I NEED IT NOW.

She did have a relationship with Bowie so maybe it was a shoutout. REMEMBER THESE?

Meanwhile behind Kris’s back:

There’s a really great story about him being awesome at Behind Closed Ovens. Basically he didn’t realize the restaurant he brought his family to was closing in 15 minutes, kept them all an hour or so after close, then sort of realized and asked what time they closed. He was distraught at having kept them all past…

Sorry Men Suck

Jeez Kevin Smith looks too young to have a daughter that age. I guess manually masturbating caged animals for artificial insemination is the real fountain of youth

Did you see the special where they filmed him speaking at various colleges? My favorite Kevin Smith thing ever. Especially when he talks about going to Prince’s house.

• Gaga is on a “champagne and sushi diet” to prepare for the Oscars