Wrong St. Petersburg.

I do not want to see Robert Kraft given a blowjob, but I do want to live in a world where the video of Robert Kraft getting a blowjob is widely available.

If she was a resident of Megaton, I would definitely push the button.

Her family owns 10 yachts. TEN. FUCKING. YACHTS. 

Prince should either be in prison for life somewhere or dangling at the end of a rope.

Her parents raised her and Erik Prince. Hard to imagine a more significant legacy of failure at teaching your children basic humanity.

This is a dumb comment. Do you have any idea how much black cultural history is intertwined with baseball? How much Negro League history? How many African American neighborhoods are home to minor league ballparks? I recently visited the Montgomery Biscuits stadium (a fabulous park btw) and then crossed the street to…

Right? “Hey, NFLPA, give us access to your players OR ELSE WE’LL FOLD!!!!!”

*cue ominous lightning strike*

The same is true of this country as a whole; we have no idea who the hell we are any more because the future is too scary to contemplate and rather than grapple with it together as though we all have skin in the game, we’re fighting over what the past was.

I do not understand how it’s possible to draw a pair of dice—something practically every living person on earth has seen, held, and could describe in perfect detail—that badly. I’m an awful, awful artist, and I could draw dice better left-handed, blackout drunk, on a crashing subway. This is the GOAT of bad dice…

My favorite recently was when my daughter says she took her bow off before getting in the shower. I am standing there looking at it sitting in a pool of water on top of the toilet seat. I ask how it got there. She says it fell off her head and landed there. I ask how it got wet. She says the toilet flushed out of the…

Kids are never more certain of something than when they are absolutely 100% wrong.

Quick, Kinja, everyone convince Drew he wrote the exact opposite a year ago.

My word to God, I’d acquit you if I were on that jury.

“I better use Tic-Tac just in case I start kiss her. You know I automatically attract to beautiful—I just start kiss them. It like magnet. Just kiss. I don’t wait even. And when you star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

CAN YOU AGAIN REPEAT HOW YOU WILL HURT OUR STOCK PRICE IF WE DON’T PAY YOU MONEY?

Everything’s just coming up shitheads the last few days. 

As a millennial, I desperately wanted to write something about this being a thicc heckin’ chonker, but I refrained. 

Raleigh is actually located in Iceland

No it’s not heavy, why do you ask?