Man, say what you want but for my money nothing beats the Hyper Crescent Moon. It’s obvious but, for the plebs, that’s when it’s 7/8ths quarter moon during the second week of a month with 30 days and the humidity is below 29% but above 22% and Mercury is in retrograde.

Let’s not ignore Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

Oh no, honey. This was worse than Goop. I half expected her ass to pull out a fistful of crystals and say that the only way to heal America is by re-aligning the chakras of every man, woman and child in the country. She is like a dozen tics beyond Goop.

1st Gear: When will GM learn that ugly vehicles with ugly interiors don’t sell?

Usually it’s only allowed while you’re wearing skates, but we’ll let it go this time.

This is the correct take. The Warriors looked to be running out of steam in previous rounds. Their core players essentially added a sixth season’s worth of games in the process of their last five playoff runs. The Clippers and a completely dysfunctional Rockets team both took them to six games. There are no asterisks.…

(Handing you his torso doll) “I already did, man.”

There should be an unwritten rule you can’t yell at the batter after he hits a massive homer off you.

If you start your sentence with, “Back in my day...” you better finish it with, “...is not a great indicator of how things should be because we had casual racism and sexism and threw trash out car windows like a bunch of damn idiots.”

GIVE ME A MOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

They also removed Birth of a Nation from their rain delay rotation.

What does the fastidious little turd Jim Gray have to say on it?

Wait till that day in the near future when his doctor tells him he’s dying and he responds with “ well of course, you doctors are all in cahoots with the mortuary companies”

Precious millenials? I lived in Myrtle Beach which was a borderline retirement city and let me tell you: the olds do not use signals, nor drive past 25 mph no matter what the speed limit is.

McConnell WILL refuse to hold a trial.

Trump WILL then continue his tirade of “a bunch of angry Democrats” and will use the refusal of a trial being held as “proof” of his innocence (in the exact same manner he’s used the Mueller report to repeat “NO COLLUSION”).

An impeachment that doesn’t lead to the removal of him in…

Every year I tell my students “Everybody have fun tonight, everybody Wang Chung tonight.”
They don’t respect me at all.

Sadly, I can top this…

I’ve been calling NBC Sports for weeks. They kept showing Hurricanes instead of the goddamn Hartford Whalers games.

I live in a place full of (white) manbabies who demand respect without being willing to give it to others. Giant lifted trucks, barbed wire tattoos on steroid-pumped upper arms, Punisher skulls, “black rifles” and “tactical” clothing: all of this is about signaling the world, “I DEMAND YOUR DEFERENCE.”

You just ignore them. Silence is always the best insult.