Beautifully and hilariously written! You are like a modern-day F. Scott Fitzgerald, excepting only that you are funny instead of maudlin and your wife's name is probably not Zelda.

The police have indicated that Cody is being charged with cruelty after forcing his dog to live in Baltimore.

I can't wait to see SI's stipple artists' take on the swimsuit edition.

The man does take his contractual obligations seriously.

Anyone else in his situation would have been a natural selection.

I would assume it's simply because Winston can't be sued under Title IX and FSU is the proper defendant in this particular action.

That belly would make a great target if only it wasn't below the belt.

It was only a matter of time before the signs of hip dysplagia began to emerge.

Of all the changes being proposed, surely changing 0.1 yards from 3.6 inches to 1 inch will have the greatest impact on fantasy scores.

This is the closest the Bears have come all season to being accused of running up the score.

Formal: The evidence strongly suggests that Mr. Goodell suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. In addition, Mr. Goodell presents with troubling memory loss that may be related to a neurocognitive disorder (e.g., early onset dementia) or a possible dissociative fugue. His psychopathology is further…

This also explains why the Lions have so many fans.

Burnett probably could have gotten more from Pittsburgh but his agent doesn't distinguish between terrorists and Pirates.

Messi: "Hey Cristiano, what the hell is that?"

Give him a break, Tom. I hear he's getting his teeth fixed this year.

"Pornhub has a massive public relations arm"

"Sssssss-pop!" is also the exact sound Pablo Sandoval makes if you prick him with a sharp pin.

Maple Mountain was the first team in the state to hire a female head coach and the results have thus far been fantastic. May the sweet victories continue to stack up for Coach Buttersworth.

Lest anyone think this sort of creativity is easy, Oscar Pistorius has always been stumped in coming up with a costume.

Inexcusable. They could have easily gotten "E" from one of the Seminole players.