#notalltramps

When I see their "fashion", all I can think is DERELICTE!

HER EYEBROWS

Oh, my God, this fan fiction: "Maybe he said something like, 'Nice way for a mother to behave.'" Jezebel, if you're going to just indulge in making shit up about celebrities, why not go all the way? MAYBE SOLANGE WAS POSSESSED BY A VENGEFUL GHOST.

Alternate theory time: Did anyone see those orbs? I think the elevator is haunted and Solange became possessed by the evil spirit.

The Noozles taught me how to love! And those were my favorite dunkaroos! Truly, you are my soul sista. But don't worry, I won't attack your husband in an elevator.

I have 3, maybe 4 wrinkles. I also fondly remember the days of dunkaroos and koala yummies. Why do today's youth turn their back on Australian marsupial themed snacks?

This woman definitely describes menstrual cycles as "the tears of a disappointed uterus."

I'm sure she maturely and reasonably accepts their decision to—HAHAHA sorry, couldn't finish. I'm sure they're not "real women" to her. Barf.

HOW YOU GON' BE MAD ON VACATION?

Don't worry. Kim took him out for ice cream afterward.

New Year's Eve, 2010. After a very nice pre-game of oysters and champagne, mistercharles and I got on the #1 bus in Cambridge to head back to Boston to properly Auld Lang Syne. As we got on the bus, the driver barked, "All the way back", which didn't seem meaningful until I glanced to my right and stopped so…

I FORGOT A GOOD ONE. I was on BART, during rush hour when the trains are packed. I was standing up near a woman who was sitting down. With no warning, she scoots to the edge of the seat, reaches up her dress, AND PULLS HER TAMPON OUT, it's DRIPPING BLOOD, and she STUFFED IT IN THE SPACE BETWEEN THE SEAT AND THE WALL.

I'm so oblivious I look at an empty train during rush hour and say "SCORE"! instead of using my brain to wonder WHY that particular train is empty. It's poop. It's ALWAYS poop. Sometimes its fresh poop, sometimes its stale poop, sometimes the poopertrator is still there. But its always, always poop.

I've always been shooting for Cute Animal Heaven rather than Bear Heaven; however, I recently discovered Vikings on The History Channel, and I think I'm going to start believing in the Norse Gods.

God is a fairy tale and those who believe in him are morons. Bear God, on the other hand, is totally really and if you don't believe in Her Ursine Glory, you're a disgusting heathen who will not get 72 Pic-a-nic Baskests in Bear Heaven.

But as anyone who's had children knows, there's often nothing like the bond between a mormon overlord and his millions of blonde babies.

To the letter of the law AND NO FURTHER. Fuck pants.

LOL, a "saw"? What even is this thing? How do i hold it, like this? You...don't find this cute? OH GOD MARRY ME OR KILL ME I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.