Now let's just settle all this over a nice cup of tea. Waitress? Hello? That's it, no tip.

This is one of the very first things I learned from my mother about relationships. She told my sister and I that people can change themselves if they want to, but you can never change someone, and if you feel the need to change someone, break up with them instead. She also told us to never go on a date with someone…

This is exactly why my first reaction to Lyft was "That is only one serial killer away from not existing."

You have been BUSY with this thread. Chuck D applauds you.

If you love literally all other music and not rap, you need to De La your Soul.

You know, if someone has a full set of veneers and is under the age of, I don't know, 50-60...the likelihood of having totally messed up your original teeth with meth is high. Unless you're totally rich I guess, and can just get new teeth like it's nothing. But my money's on either this guy loves meth or he didn't…

Personally, I'm fighting back by appropriating We Can't Stop and changing all the lyrics. Mr. Wont is in on it too:

What a modest proposal!

WHO CHOSE THE POOP BACKGROUND???

I constantly get "Therapy for Lesbians" ads (I'm straight), and "Better than Bubbe" ads (because Judaism is in my interests, probably, though my religious views have always been kept blank). But the best was when I changed my status to "engaged," I got Crest Whitestrips ads: "Your big day is coming! AND YOUR TEETH…

Serpentine Driver, what an excellent band name.

Not just Ambien; the Costco sleep aid (knockoff Unisom) me & Mr. Wont use almost nightly also has this fabulous bonus side effect.

Callie, as someone who also studied English, earns real human currency, and also owns an iPhone, I feel qualified to tell you to stop spending your humanbucks on Candy Crush and just set your iPhone's date ahead until you get full lives. But don't forget to set it back. Oh, unless you're buying powerups. In which…

My aunt and uncle gave us the greatest wedding present of all time, and it is now the present I bring to all weddings. Ready, Jezzies? You can all steal this fabulous idea and be the talk of your respective towns: frame the invitation. Boom. Unless it's a whacky-sized invitation or something crazy like a model…

What's Laura, chopped liver? Los Angeles, please!!

So do I. I want to know every detail. I have to grocery shop after work tonight, and I have to do it at Von's, so I'll have all the time in the world to read it in line.

Yeah, but, really, Denmark is exceptionally awesome on this front.

Oh that's a favorite: are you even old enough to be drinking that? Let me check your IUD, har har har. (The IUD one has never been trotted out at work, but my Mr. is a drummer and once his "boss" the band leader said that to me. But like, at a bar? So, doesn't count?)

That's really interesting.

Our Executive Director does call us "dear" a lot, but "little missy" is horrendous! He also once told me to smile more in an indirect way; I was frowning, looking at the computer screen trying to reconcile some figures, and he walked by and stopped in to tell me specifically that "You know what makes this place so…