From John Kruk's book of poetry:

I imagine Jesse Jackson reading that 2nd paragraph, nodding silently, and then going back to sipping Courvoisier and thumbing through the latest Jet.

but do you remember who his backup was? Koy Detmer

In a brief apology issued this morning, Garnett said:

I'm pretty sure my grandmother would say something incredibly racist. She usually gets pretty ornery after her 3rd morning gin and tonic.

Meanwhile, Don Bacon just came out with its list of 100 most likely candidates for heart disease.

Being "beneath a Bus" is the dream of every member of the Gay Jerome Bettis Fan Club.

While everyone else's buttholes are so tightly clenched, they don't feel the pressure.

I thought she crossed the line when she later referred to Hines Ward as "Long Duck Dong".

In the commercial with TJ Lavin, Grylls attempts to sleep for 3 days.

Between Declan's tweets right before the equipment collapse and Brian Kelly basically admitting his fault after the Tulsa game, I am guessing ND doesn't have much of a legal leg to stand on.

@AzureTexan: She actually has to buy two seats to fit her gigantic ass. It's like Southwest Airline's policy with obese people.

our favorite African-American all-caps gossip source

@Phintastic: You mean they didn't incorporate Sheen's tranny hooker into the show's title?

The award for worst ending to a newscast still goes to Budd Dwyer.

@Phintastic: Struck by inspiration.

My favorite was the zoom in on the elderly person heading storming the border at 3mph in his Weasel.

I haven't see this much forced laughter since Uday and Qusay's comedy special.

Clint Malarchuk's neck inspired The Dixie Chicks to write "Wide Open Spaces".

@AzureTexan: Also waved? Petra Nemcova in 2004.