Elizabeth Lambert was just signed to a 4 year, $5M euro contract.

AJ, just a heads up: prunes make you poop.

After watching his dating show, I am guessing an inside look into Ochocinco's bladder would reveal a number of infections.

Thank God this story didn't end with him going Casper on grandma.

French Ban is the worst selling deodorant in the world.

I was staying at the Westin in Edina, MN on business.

No problem. Her plan B is to take a picture with Bear Bryant's corpse.

Isn't one of the first signs of ALS an indepth knowledge of quantum physics and understanding of the universal truth?

I thought Matthias was much more intimidating when he was shooting highway patrol and throwing people into woodchippers in Fargo.

Liking crocodiles will get you killed.

One of my favorite clips ever posted here on Deadspin. The guys in the booth are absolutely loving it.

Meanwhile, James Gandolfini's sons are ugly, obese, diabetic, and destined to be wastes of space.

I say let them play at 13. Nothing bad can happen.

I am thinking Jane Lynch would be a slam dunk for Brenda. Either that or Michael Douglas from Falling Down.

I would be more impressed if you could show me a black QB who can be accurate.

Yeah, the reason no one is coming to the DII women's basketball game is because of the start time.

The sigh of relief is the sound you hear from Tavaris Jackson's agent.

It makes me sad that I instinctively repeated "Dirty Knees, Look at These" after reading the first three Asian cuisines.

The headband and elbow sleeves make this the best slutty Allen Iverson Halloween costume ever.

So what, I hit Tila Tequila in the face with feces from 200 feet away.