Ughhh I also have a conservative dad. Until I was around 14 I was a dutiful young Republican who believed fervently that abortion was murder (my dad, to his credit, is not crazy about this particular conservative issue, and is pretty much pro-choice although I'm not sure he would admit it) and the Iraq war was…

They have a state house full of wieners, tho.

think of the effort that 4th grade teacher put into crafting a lesson plan on writing a bill! What a great way to teach writing, grammar, logic, and civics in a way that would be engaging to kids. Then to be dismissed and shot down by those idiots who probably couldn't teach a lesson on civics if their life depended…

What shocks me with these old guys is just how much time they spending thinking about Planned Parenthood. I admire them greatly, but they are not top of mind on a daily basis. Weirdos.

Could you imagine him as a Congressman?

You royals are always doing the cousin-marrying thing. 5th cousin is very distant. Did you have the sane last name? Because that's when it gets weird.

I would be declaring dibs on his office so hard if I was in Congress. It's already decorated, that's being an opportunist and using my bootstraps.

I don't know if this counts, but I was waiting tables at a noodle joint, in college. Not Olive Garden, but a Spaghetti Factory/Works/Extruder place. We were slammed, and I was alone on our upper floor, reserved for when we were slammed, because it was across the restaurant and up a flight of stairs from the kitchen. I…

What part was she not filling in? There's only, like, four parts, and they're all important enough that I wouldn't want someone else (let alone a dumb machine) filling them in for me.

Well, sorry, because you know I'm a fan and all, but "Cilantro Lime Crema" is a terrible substitute for guacamole and an even worse idea for a screenname.

Ah, Forxcalibur. Alas, many a man has tried to free that fork from within the enchanted block of parmesan, but all that have gone North to this garden of olives have never been seen again.

The lady in the Olive Garden lake of marinara sauce has to choose you, then you have to pull a pasta fork from a block of extra hard cheese.

I've always wanted to be the King of Olive Garden. Is there a succession plan? Do I need to murder the previous King? Or just wait for him to die of the inevitable heart attack?

Can we have a round of applause for all of the awesome managers this week? There is nothing more satisfying than a manager that has your back when a customer is being an asshole.

The other day I witnessed a mother grabbing her (13 year old?) son by the front of his shirt and saying "don't you EVER do that again" for being snotty to the cashier at a coffee shop.

That is not the solution. "Go to college, get some student loans and graduate with upwards of $20k in debt!" thanks so much for the suggestion!!!!

Man, that Minnesota story was peak Minnesota.

Roger Miller's story is why I always overtip for delivery. I get pizza so hot I can't even eat it yet, and the Indian place sends a free dessert every time. Mmmm mango mousse. I don't get why anyone would be shitty to the person who is saving me from having to cook and wash dishes.

Man having to wait till 11 is agonizing. How else am I going to get my morning cup of laughs, snark, no tipping-Illuminati, the customer is always right, I'M ALLERGIC TO RED, monogrammed thermos posts?