Maybe you only get really good stories if you wait until you're 19 or 20? Maybe all the 14/15/16/17 ones were like "We did it in the car. I think. It was cool."

Oh ye gods I hate reading people's judgey attitudes about the "woman with 6 kids at Walmart with food stamps chatting on her brand-new iPhone." There are SO many reasons why someone needs a cell phone and many reasons why such a woman may have a new phone (gifts from a friend? won it in a drawing? none of your damn…

Hi, writer Tim Adams. Would you please allow me and my gang of thugs to rape you repeatedly? In exchange, we won't tear the skin from your skull with rusty screwdrivers.

Wait. How can a woman even let herself be raped? Doesn't the body have ways of just shutting down in the first place?

I always feel a little like Ariel when I go to yoga and do a chaturanga.

I thought Jesus' middle name was Harold.

I quit Boy Scouts when I was 16 because of their anti-gay stance. I never got to get my Eagle Scout, but you know what? My integrity was worth more than that.

Would love to, but first I have to read Snooki's memoir and then listen to the complete works of Limp Bizkit.

I don't give a shit what you put in the cup as long as there's a goddamned umbrella or cute little plastic monkeys hanging out the top of my drink.

I remember recently going with my mom to a Starbucks with a long line so someone was starting orders before the register.

"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get…

I think I'm going to have to ask my "baristas" (the high school sophmores who staff my neighborhood place would probably giggle if called that) if they mind me getting a paper cup.

If i lifted 460 lbs i would make a bronze statue of me doing so and i would stare at it when i masturbate.

I still think that Clair by Gilbert O'Sullivan wins: He's babysitting a child who wants a glass of water before bed for god's sake . . . Even as a little kid, I this song kind of eeked me out (as pretty as the song is.)

I kind of thought you were joking when you started listing out things like "90-IQ suburbanite Student Council" but no, no,...

In the piece, which is only 364 words long

Age: 26

Age: 23 (almost 24)

Age: 16

Age: 18