filters will be clogged.

I would take that request literally and roofie his lasagna.

So a revenge body is just.... getting skinny? So the retractable blades I had implanted into my arms, feet and vagina were for nothing?

A loaf of wonder bread contains 20 slices of bread. You can get them for about $2.00 a loaf. That means that you're $60.00 and some peanut butter away from a big FUCK YOU ASSHOLE avalanche of 300 peanut butter sandwiches the next time some helpless, simpering man-child asks you how many fucking minutes you've been up.

This morning I made a piping hot cup of disappointment for my husband. Rich black disappointment, tinged with regret and a sense of impending loss, served piping hot with two sugars and some cream.

If her husband had been run over by that bus instead of raping a woman to death on it, the effect on his wife and child would have been the same. They're not being victimized by the crime; they're being victimized by a system that leaves women balancing on a knife's edge for the entirety of their adult lives.

I can't stop laughing that she took the toilet lid. Attention to detail wins the day.

Nickelback has hits?

Hey now, the bird actually used the crosswalk. NOT SO IDIOTIC.

Jesus Christ, fuck this guy so hard with a splintery broomstick. My husband, good man that he is, works for the US government solely because he believes in helping people. His job is to direct emergency management procedures in the case of disaster (eg Hurricane Sandy, the Boston marathon bombings, etc). Because his…

That is probably the only funny thing she has ever said, but you know, it is unintentionally funny.

Never Forget.

Re: jack Nicholson. I feel the need to point out that Roman Polanski raped that teenage girl at Jack's house, where Polanski had given her quaaludes with champagne. So there's that.

GRADE: F- (a gorilla who spells out "PLEASE SAVE ME" in condensation left by his tears in the window to his habitat)

Well weed can stay in women's systems for literally years, so you're assuming a lot. My doctor already told me, even if I quit smoking weed before I get pregnant, since I am a daily smoker from a young age, THC is basically adhered to my fat cells, and I will test positive for years to come, thanks to a slow…

Was anyone else surprised to see the amount of people over the age of 18?

I learned that America hates Miley Cyrus, but loves run-on sentences.

One of the Jackson girls? It's JANET (Ms. Jackson if you're nasty).

Combine mixture into bowl and shake. (Yourself, not the mixture.) Slightly irritated Nicki Minaj optional.

I'm not gay, I just don't want to get measles.