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THERE IS NO BURT. THERE IS ONLY FLU.

Dammit I can't wait to show my kids Star Wars

Dad: "Good night. I love you, pumpkin."

I'm assuming his next move was to thank the nearby ficus tree for pulling him out of a burning tank during the war.

I pride myself on my car trip taking patience. I never rush, I take frequent breaks, and I try to generally enjoy the car trip as much as is possible. Sometimes this leads to overnight stays in random hotels in Connecticut.

I've written about this one place I used to manage before; a great fine-dining joint in a small Puget Sound town, attracting guests with loads of money and and sometimes loads of entitlement. But for all of the craziness that happened, there were moments of kindness and generosity that made it more than worthwhile.

Celebrity Edition!

I understand this is referred to as "the poor man's bidet."

When you're raised by wolves, you poop like a wolf.

You know, if we were just going by gruesome surgery photos, you could make appendectomies look evil. Man was born with his appendix and he should die with his appendix!

Let's try to get to the core of the matter: What you're saying is that games should be marketed to women,

This is valid to a point, but point to one privileged group that's ever raised its hand and said, Yep, too much influence here, that's just about enough for us, thanks.

hi i think you have a lot of good idears and i want to talk to you more about them these animals they are freedom fioghters and i think its the lefty pinko freaks who would suggest we eat them you know why because they are cannibals think about it its all just a big flat circle and if we are all the same species as…

Well, if you are literally killing people, I would say it's pretty unjustified. If, on the other hand, you're causing soda to spray them in the face, I'd say it's pretty righteous.

More food needs to be served en bucket.

I treat places where my friends work more like places where I'm a regular (sometimes it might be both). Be polite. Order off the menu and only ask for reasonable accommodations ("no onion, please" or "could I have a lime in the vodka tonic?"), be sociable to the workers whether I know them or not, tip like the…

Love Behind Closed Ovens

I was bartending a shift for my restaurant's fifth anniversary when three uppity college girls came in and preceded to order elaborate, handcrafted cocktails all night. They were mostly just hanging out to win some of the prizes for our company's anniversary celebration plus snag free food. I mean, they're college…

People who take advantage of the "my friend is the bartender/chef/server" and do stupid shit like ordering too much and wasting food really make it terrible for everyone else.