Oh, holy bejeezus. The Lovely fucking Bones.

I read this headline and my only thought was: I wish!

Damn! I hate this news. It's always awful to see marriages that seem happy - forgive me - terminated.

Apple, perhaps?

You're right! He's a total Baldwin.

So, I take it Cher is no longer saving herself for Luke Perry?

Oh, I see this going well.

The supposed vagina part looks like a candle to me, but the double pink Look-This-Is-Where-My-Ladybits-Are!! lines would indeed be a deal-breaker.

More like: "waaah - someone committed a legit crime against completely innocent parties, regardless of their economic status!" #ShellingOutCashToFixVandalismA...

Also, Allison, you can do better. Your man didn't even remember to put a comma before your name! Is this the kind of thing you and your heart exclamation point self want to put up with for the rest of your life?! Next thing you know, he'll be misspelling your name on the side of train cars.

Aww! Vandalism = true love, y'all. I bet they're so looking to forward to their honeymoon of wrapping "I love you" notes on bricks and throwing them through windows.

Or: Facebook Rejects Ad Featuring Twins Joined At The Tongue.

Other reasons Gisele is smiling:

This was inevitable. When we prescribe Latisse/Lumigan for either cosmetic purposes or Glaucoma, we have to warn patients not to accidentally use it anywhere they wouldn't want hair. I believe during the trials, some people ended up with cheek tufts. Now, that's hot.

It can both make the irises permanently darker AND discolor the eyelids. It can also make your lashes so long that they actually become ingrown and scratch your corneas. Hooray beauty (or, originally: Glaucoma) over pain!

More proof stars are not just like us. If I had that much Dancing In The Sheets, I would be a walking UTI.

Hooray! Happy Cinco de Gap-Firing-The-Guy-Who-Got-Rid-Of-The-Only-Jeans-That-Fit-Me!!

Sunlight, air, and clean water are great and all, but she left out the other major source of "life force energy" - chocolate pie. Lots and lots of chocolate pie.

Only 20 pairs? Jeez, I feel like a shoe hoarder. I bought that many last year alone. I'm very seasonal with my shopping habits - new boots make it feel like fall, new wedges tell me it's spring again. Scarlet satin peep-toes tell me it's find-a-date-for-the-billion-weddings-this-summer season.

"It was all just a dream" time, anyone?