He did not, however, think critically about his choice of Wolverine facial hair.

I would suggest everyone step down from such an organization. None of these people are remotely reading the Bible correctly. Jesus (if he even was an actual person) said that the kingdom of heaven is within you, not "Hey gang, it sure would be swell if you made a cult around me, then forced it down everybody's…

To me, the fact that Megan Fox was cast was a big indicator that it was going to suck.

He keeps mispronouncing her name as "Laura."

I sense a new Police Quest title where you're just choking-out civilians in New York City.

Thanks for not showing it, you know, shitting it back out, I guess.

Whoa. The only way that name could be any Jewy-ier is if he were Rabbi Michael Diamondstein.

Look, here's two things everyone should be able to agree upon about the USPS:

I guess I give him points for showing initiative.

Finally, Japanese people Americans can relate to. Fat ones.

"Great! My Secret Service detail just texted me they need a designated driver and Ernie got a little too rough with his hooker, so I also have to stop by Ace and buy a shovel and some plastic wrap. Those rascals."