It’s amazing how rarely I have an audience of puppets when I am singing.

“Oh god! There’s a cat in that burning building!....... Ah! I know what to do!” *Throws another cat into burning building* “Now they won’t be alone.”

Me too! Just knew Toupee Fiasco was gonna put in an appearance and rant about a yuge wall!

Of course the white dude who positioned himself as a champion for women of color in an especially racist industry ends up being an absolute turd. Because this is the world we live in. It wouldn’t make sense otherwise.

I agree buuuut we have a special word for gang rape too: gang rape.

You know how when you take photos at a toddlers birthday party, they often seem to just have their mouths open because they shout a lot? This is that.

My hope is that she is like Punxsutawney Phil. If she has a good NYE performance, then they year will be a good one. Like theprez gets impeached.

Oh, so you heard my speech to the TV as well? We can co-author our paper.

I find your research intriguing and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Yes.

My vet refers to it as recreational vomiting.

Their feud started when Rand Paul stole his neighbor’s backup dancers. There’s been a lot of bad blood since then.

Paul was reportedly dismounting a lawn mower at the time

Popcorn! Bummer is, I work alone in my office, so no one even gets to see it :(

As an autistic person it blows my mind that people would rather have a dead kid than an autistic one.

Me too. It will be worth it.

It wasn’t allowed in the Fox News cafeteria, for fear that it would steal the job of good old American ketchup.

I wore this exact same outfit to the State Fair, and even the Carnies were like “Meh.” Too much coat?

I don’t have a dog in this race, but I’d like to point out that if Meryl Streep is lying about something I don’t know how you’d be able to tell.

What if Trump was the time traveler? ?!!