Opt out = Zero Fucks. The SNL second wife skit was very funny.

my mom has had at least one melanoma spot removed every 6 months since i was 12. never understood why people would voluntarily do that to themselves...

Look on the bright side! If you’re tanning your skin that often, you may not have to worry about getting leathery or old.

Good. I’ve indoor tanned once in my life, and thought it was disgusting. But it’s not just the gross-out factor, it’s the cancer factor. One person dies of melanoma every 57 minutes. Yes, it’s a very treatable cancer, but it’s still fucking cancer. As someone who is so pale that they’re blue, who has had multiple…

Rough translation:

My parents told me that the lyrics to Guns n Roses Paraise City were “take me back to Prairie Dog City.” Because I liked prairie dogs in elementary school and used to draw them and write books about them.

I’m the liar.

The best lies come from dads.

Riley is the best sports baby.

egg?

To the Face Off machine!

Jason Statham really surprised me with how funny and unhinged he was in Spy.

21 Jumpstreet improved on the source material and was legit funny, though.

Please let this be the hapless, arrogant cop who wants to prove the Ghostbusters frauds at any cost

Sadly, I cannot listen because of Sarah Koenig’s read. Her vocal fry kills me. I barely made it through the first one. I’ll have to stick to reading a weekly synopsis.

I thought Sarah Koenig and the Serial team asked everyone to politely refrain from reporting on this story.

In college my roommate and I decided to throw a generalized “winter” party. We cut out paper snowflakes, put Christmas lights everywhere, holiday colored jello shots, etc. We had about 50 people in our tiny apartment, had an awesome party, cops came, people had to leave, yada yada yada...

Sounds very meh to me. If I’m super duper rich, I’m going to the Galapagos Islands, not Disney.

Or just Yeezus.

Alex Trebek. We were going to town, sweaty and frantic and he kept yelling, “Who is....your daddy?” over and over again like they phrase it on Jeopardy. Suddenly he pulled out and I was standing naked in front of the studio audience, crying.