It could be worse, I suppose. Berdimuhamedov’s predecessor, the batshit President-for-life who ruled as Turkmenbashi from 1991 to 2006, imposed a truly crazy, Calvinball-esque regime upon his country. Here’s what Berdimuhamedov’s declaration that black cars to be unlucky enemies of the state (or whatever) has to go…

Man, I thought Reservoir Dogs settled this trifling shit back in the ‘90s. The early ‘90s. Okay, sit down. Let’s talk about this, because honestly? You are fuckin’ up.

THE FUCKIN’ INVUNCHE, MAN!

(Koch brothers enter)

“By this time, the Duke boys had killed just about every lawman in Hazzard County.”

I imagined Watson to be either a corpulent, anti-athletic adult, or maybe a whiny junior millennial type. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that he was neither a Fat Man, nor a Little Boy. 

I’d be delighted to accept...so long as I can get power bombed through a table. It’s about time I got in on the action!

Throwing fake eyeballs at a partially blind player is some top-notch fan trolling. Is one of the Falkirk eyeball-throwers, I dunno, a reparative ophthalmologist, or something? Like he’s at home saying, “Och, how can I, Angus MacScrimm, morrrrrrre fully support the Bairrrrns? Hang on, my prrrrrrosthetic eyeballs! …

Yeah, when the Loch Ness Monster goes on record as calling unicorns “fake,” I’m pretty sure that she was actually referring to their propensity towards mane extensions and withers-enhancement surgery, not their actual existence.

Yeah, and the worst part is that LA somehow avoids the “bad fans” tag. That means that out-of-towners can let their guards down while at a USC game, or maybe a game between the US men’s soccer team and El Tri. Everyone seems cool, until someone isn’t. And that’s when folks who don’t keep their heads on a swivel…

Yeah, my bad. That wasn’t what I intended. You can check out my apology here.

I’m sorry. I really am truly delighted that you guys made the postseason, and I’ve always held a somewhat envious opinion of the balls-to-the-wall exuberance demonstrated in the iconic Bills fans’ tailgate videos. I should have realized that my comment might look like piling snark on Buffalo fans during a moment of…

Damn impressive. Nobody can ever question the passion that Bills fans have for their team. It’s one thing to cheer a 3rd party QB for throwing the pass that gets your team into the playoffs, but it’s something else again to put your money where your mouth is.

Yeah, I’d say their shirts pretty much share the same collar size. 

That’s one of the reasons I love SoCal so much: Weather diversity. Love great weather? It’s 78° and sunny on your average Thanksgiving. Don’t like the world looking like an iPhone camera pic with too much HDR? We got your June gloom, right here. You want cold and snow to, I dunno, ski in, and shit? That’s a…

Ox collar, you mean.

This one’s easy: For me, it’s The Great Warrior (Seto’s theme). Just a few notes of that piece, and I can see Red XIII learning the truth about his father—how, all alone, he held the breach against the Gi, saving his wife, his son and the entire tribe by holding the Gi at bay long enough for the caves to be sealed…

Goodell: “Last night, Billy Cole disrespected the Cleveland Cats, disgraced his L.A. Stallions teammates, and tarnished the Shield with his shameful actions. Also, some people got shot.”

Nah, man. That was The Last Boy Scout.