In the 2007s, in the men’s powder room of WEHO hotspot, Le Deux, I saw Spencer Pratt drop le deuce in the sink.

My family originates from Irish peasant stock, which contributes to a somewhat no-nonsense attitude to death. When I was about six, my grandfather died in Ireland. Far-flung sons, daughters and their families gathered for the funeral.

When my father died we put together a lovely memorial with lots of photos and music and my sister and I both spoke. My BIL played his guitar (he’s a pro) and did a beautiful version of “Amazing Grace” (which my father loved). I had lined up a bagpiper ( he REALLY loved bagpipes - actually had albums - vinyl records no…

The summer before I turned 13 my boobs came in and my uncle died. Because of my rapidly developing body, I didn’t have any clothes to wear to the funeral, so my mom had to take me clothes shopping. She would lose her patience with me pretty rapidly, so I ended up buying a ton of ill-fitting grey items and a bra (for…

Alright, I obviously was not there, but this is one of the best funeral/memorial stories I’ve heard to date:

Plot twist: he borrowed it from Miley

Frat Guys Gross

“So eventually I came to the conclusion that I needed a side thing to be happy and signed up on Ashley Madison. I considered divorce but there really wasn’t massive personal discord. I mean, we don’t connect anymore, not in the same way, but we don’t hate each other. And ultimately the role we play together as parents…

the one good thing the drought has given us, is that amazing sentence you just used. bless you! bless you!

At least they’re pretty good at pranks. My mother’s idea of a “prank:” I was 8 or 9 years old and it was summer and I was sitting on our front steps minding my own business when she comes out of the house with a watering can filled with ice water and proceeds to pour the entire thing on my head while cackling…

Oh yes. There’s a reason my dad does the grocery shopping by himself. The man loves to fart loudly in public. Or quietly, and then ask his unlucky companion if that was them who farted. We learned from an early age to stay out of stores with him.

The summer after high school graduation and my boyfriend was staying the night from out of town. He slept in the guest room and, in the morning, I went in and laid on top of the covers next to him (with the door left open, of course, because rules). Soon after, two or three of our cats also jumped on the bed.

When I was very young I went through my mom’s purse looking for candy or gum and found flexible wrapped packages. I opened it and found something gum like but clearly not gum, perhaps some sort of gross ‘natural’ adult fruit roll up? No, still not right. I showed it to my mom and said ‘what is this? Is this gum? This…

Heh. Reminds me of the time, in high school, where I’d just gone a theatre class field trip (yup) on my birthday, and friends had bought me a gag gift from Spencers: the board game ‘Intimate Commands.’ I tossed it in the back of my car when the bus brought us back to the school, headed home, and forgot about it.

Once, my mom and dad told us they were giving us the house for the weekend while they were taking a cruise. I was 18 and I was going to have friends over. It was going to be a fantastic weekend!

My mom and stepdad were hanging out with some friends whom I never met. Came home at curfew and smiled as they introduced us.

DYING. Used to walk Costco behind my dad as he just let.them.rip. I couldn’t. Couldn’t handle it. He would walk faster the faster they came in an attempt to outwalk them. But I would be so annoyed to be at butt level that I would start loudly asking him why he can’t stop “Farting in public, dad.”

Mine was thankfully only something I witnessed, but it was HORRIFYING. In middle school after leaving the dermatologist my Mom and I were at Walmart shopping for facewash. I was looking at the Neutrogena and Mom whispers in my ear “I never liked Neutrogena. It feels like cum on my face.”

My birthday is April Fool’s Day.

he’s heir to the Papermate fortune, Jacob Papermate III