“Freddy Krueger face-fucked a typographical map of Utah.”

If you’ve got a delegate, you’ve got a podium.

Apparently they’re not nearly as afraid of bad posture as they should be.

Yeah, there’s some important parts of that advice missing, like: Turn the lightbulb off first. I feel like not putting cool liquid on hot glass isn’t something a teenager is going to think about first.

I agree, I secretly kind of love this. Her taste and mine vary pretty wildly, and most of her specific advice isn’t really anything I’d go for, but the message of “do special things for yourself because you deserve to have silly fun now and then” is pretty much my gospel.

I imagine she keeps her ballet pointe shoes in her bag so as to “never miss an opportunity to dance,” or some twee nonsense. The potpourri is probably to keep them from stinking up her purse. Those things must get disgusting pretty quickly.

“If you give birth to the King’s child, you will be remembered forever. But you will also die young. One has to make these sacrifices.”

For a guy who’s lived in New York City for damn near his whole life, it’s like the guy has never shared a wall or a stairway or a yard with another human being.

Right. Grandma prayed, grandpa left a loaded gun lying around - I voted for a pro-gun-control Congressman. I’ve never met this family, I don’t even live in the same state, but I did 100x more to try to save their child than they did.

I love elephants, and would even consent to wake up before sunrise if it meant I’d have a chance to see a wild one. I wouldn’t wake up that early for the second coming of Jesus Christ, but I’d do it for elephants.

If it isn’t a Moscow Mule, I don’t want it in a copper cup.

Don’t worry, I’m putting together a play-date for you and all the other boring pedants so that you can put each other to sleep and let the rest of us fucking live.

It could literally make me sprout an actual lion’s mane around my face, and give me retractable lion claws, and the ability to down a gazelle with my teeth, and I still wouldn’t be paying $55 for two ounces of that shit.

Your mileage for “interesting and important” is different than mine, but I’m guessing this is not the first time you’ve heard that.

That or you’re going to get surprise-attacked by the Japanese, which, your point seems to be, is mostly what happens in the morning.

I am a fool who has already eaten 7 thin mints, is what I am. There is no way these are going to last the rest of the cold, dark winter.

So, we’ve found the guy with the squirrel DNA. There had to be one.

You and that guy who really wants me to consider 9/11 before I make meaningless jokes on the internet should have a party. At least you can enjoy each other’s company.

It’s SO hard to say. I think a hotdog served American-style is its own thing, the way the guacamole shares a lot of characteristics with a dip but is, in the article, determined to be its own thing (although I would like to see the work behind that assertion).

My office cookie delivery happened TODAY. Two months ago, when I made my order, I was really proud of my self-control in talking myself down from five boxes of Thin Mints (the only one I like, and I like it a LOT) to two. I live only with a cat who can’t have cookies, and I’ve put on some weight recently that I’d…