I think that’s part of the problem. For one, everything is so organized and rulebound here that when someone breaks the rules, it inspires rage even greater than just “this person is fucking up my commute.” For another, where else do people from elsewhere usually encounter escalators? The shopping mall? So they don’t…

Last Wednesday two obvious out-of-town specimens (I don’t need to describe them, you know exactly what I mean already) lumbered into a crosswalk in a busy intersection in NW during the morning rush-hour commute as though this was the first place they’d ever seen a cross walk where they might have to wait. Their…

Shit, man, at least you’re on an island - easy enough to close off. DC has ample land access, and people just LOVE to come visit and stand all over the escalators and smack me in the face with their selfie sticks.

The big problem isn’t New Yorkers, it’s that 40% of people in New York at any given time aren’t from there. You try telling 1,000 Wisconsin tweens that this isn’t acceptable behavior, they’ll rend you limb from limb.

No, but I was raised not to involve other people in the meaningless psychodramas that have their roots only in my own id.

Hey, you can put it in a McMansion, slap ten fake nails and a spray tan on it, and teach it to apply copious makeup, but you can’t actually change stupid. It’s the same everywhere, from a Florida backwater to an exclusive golf club.

In that case, let me direct you again towards the strained peas and chocolate pudding cups, because you are being an unreasonable infant about something that objectively does not matter.

They’d never even have the opportunity. Who the fuck is initiating conversation with guys on public transportation? The other guys only ever do this to girls they want to harass, and when did you ever meet a woman who did that shit?

I never have to see these people again, so I am always fucking delighted to step in and tell strangers to get their heads out of their asses, but I would never ever be as polite about it as you, so hat’s off.

Put. It. On. The. Fries.

I’ve never in my life struck another person, and only even threatened to once, but dear god if I had seen this I would have killed her with my teeth. It’s just too bad to be dealt with any other way.

This happens to me sometimes too - I get an idea in my head of what something is or how it works, and then am baffled when it turns out to be otherwise. Sometimes the results are hilarious for those around me.

“Compliscent” is my new favorite spoonerism, because it really does describe the whole kit and caboodle of fuckery that goes into letting shit like that fly.

I learned this at 7, when our local Chinese restaurant served what were essentially balls of chicken flesh on long bones, and since my family couldn’t figure out where on the chicken that came from, we asked. I’d like to think we were polite about it.

I once made the mistake of snapping my fingers as part of a story I was telling to a dining partner, and every person working in the restaurant’s head snapped around like I’d pulled a string tied to their noses. It was ghastly. The worst part is it was a vaguely French-ish restaurant, so you know, exactly the kind of…

There’s a place up by Lake Eerie in Minnesota that did honey milkshakes in the summer. I’ve only had it once, but it was fucking transcendent.

Pancakes for dinner tonight. Hands down.

I really think that if you try to envision scenarios before they ever happen, and really try to work out what you’d want to do in those situations, you can overcome your societal training. It’s certainly helped me in situations where otherwise confusion and upset would have me stammering and second-guessing myself.

A friend and I have these conversations all the time - I’m pretty reserved, especially with men, especially if their reasons for interacting with me are not immediately clear. I don’t do small talk, idle chit-chat, or conversation with strange men I meet on the street. When we go to functions (we’re both members of a…

To be fair, I’ve never killed a man, but I’ve screamed rage-filled questions at people many times and found it a satisfying experience.