Our town has major league team names, right down to the caps. But does it help? Apparently not... Last night, my daughters softball team, the Rockies, got their asses handed to them by a team from another town called the Rascals.

You call me a belly-itcher, mother fucker?

@Send It In, Jerome!:

I wonder if the have any Oakland Raiders Super Bowl XXXVII Champion sweatshirts available...

Is he bigger than me... the grand question for our time. Should we just assume that Howard WAS bigger? I mean, the references to "his Louisville Slugger", "his baby arm" and his "weapon" lead me to believe that, no, Barry's schlong is not as large as Ryan's. If I am wrong, please forgive me.

When my son goes to college, that is so gonna be me, getting drunk off my ass and probably needing stitches.

They should just build a 7,000 seat ballpark, then it would look packed every night.

And a jar of Doc Swernizzens Handlebar mustache paste to the batsman who does his best Teddy Roosevelt impression

Is that one of the dudes on "The White Shadow"? Not Coolidge or Gomez or Salami or Goldstein, one of the other guys.

Tell ya what... you get the Iceman, the A Train, and James Silas back in uniform, and i'll watch the Spurs.

After I marry her, I'm gonna do stuff to her. Like touch her penis. No, wait...

I met Mike Piazza once. He slipped me some roofies... most of the night was a blur, but man, my ass hurt the next few days.

@Sandy Magic Jackson: Since the Silver & Black are 19-61 the past five years, Hooters may not be enough of a respite. Might need to find a crackhouse or something along those lines.

I approved of Berman, based on our history together... I mean, c'mon, he gave us Bert "Be Home" Blyleven!

If Furlong took those tickets, he would've been acting the role of the abused girlfriend... "True, he did hit me. Several times. But he promised it'll be different next season!"

Hating the Spurs is like hating the Twins... there's not enough there to hate.

Sadly, laminitis set in quickly and he had to be put down... the people from PETA tried to step in, you know PETA, right? They are the People for the Ethical Treatment of Assholes. But in the end, they offered to handle the lethal injection.

Jake Peavy... Vlad Guerrero... you guys were supposed to win me a god damned fantasy title this year! Now what?!?!

Rebecca!

There's only a few absolutes in the world... but one of them is undoubtedly that nuns love hockey. Where's Larry King?