Pictured: Three things God chooses to ignore.

Huh. If I'm Reese Witherspoon, I just sit in bed all day and touch myself.

[Writes "she should be a member of the Pittsburgh Stealers" into comment field, smiles to self, presses submit]

My vibrating chocolate mother-in-law!

+1 to George. He's hysterical.

I was there too. It was unreal. The concourses are narrow, the whole building is beyond outdated, it takes five hours to get out of the parking lot, and there are flash floods in every other bathroom, but Candlestick can be an awesome place to watch a game. Saturday was just...I don't have words for it. It was a…

+1

Samardo's first mistake was looking for his passport in a tiger cage.

like an effeminate man serving a tennis ball.

As opposed to Gest magazine's sportswriting series, where a bunch of fake sportswriters pose as real sportswriters and pray that nobody will notice the difference.

+1

Unfortunately the Jets didn't make the playoffs, meaning we won't get to hear "I Saw Her Standing There" when Mark Sanchez scores a touchdown.

I don't know about all of these confusing comments about real or imaginary kitties and quantum mechanics. But one thing I do know is that umlauts remind me of my 50 year old mother's menstrual cycle.

(A phone rings in a very dark room)

Emeril is the biggest gas fan that's ever been on an ESPN set!

+1

Wonderful.

+1

"Hey, Paisan!"

Stick: Oh come on, you know you want to.