The best gift for men who drink is one that makes the girl in your bed look better the next morning...

I too know what it feels like to deny an unsavory truth about a lover. By the way, if any of you guys ever run into me while I'm weeping uncontrollably in the checkout line at the grocery store, just start yelling "Paper!" at the bagger. Thanks in advance.

I went to a "Lesbian comedy" show once. It was awful. It was almost like they went out of their way to muff every single joke.

Ron Washington, on the other hand, has handled the Rangers like Lenny handled Squiggy; he feigns interest in them, but really he's only interested in his own lines.

The inner-monologue of the guy on the far right:

Breaking News: Exuberant young men tear Cardinals uniform off their friend's body in celebration!

"God told me we were going to win last night. Then he told me it was ok to swerve into the other lanes of the highway on the way home. Then he told me to run over that hobo. Then he told me to park on my neighbor's lawn. Then he told me to pee on my neighbor's rose bush. Then he told me to puke in my sink. Then…

"Aww, shoot! We were hoping for locusts!"

Millions united in a hive-like mentality in the state of Utah? It must have been election day.

Later that night, K.J. continued his performance art/ode of appreciation to his favorite R&B singer by peeing on a group of middle schoolers.

How Safe Are You This Bonfire Night?

Basketball and earth science have many things common! In fact, if you're a boy and have a basketball player for a father, your relationship with him is probably a lot like the aphelion.

*Ding Dong*

Not Pictured: The children on Mr. Schottenheimer's lawn.

Great choice. They are unbelievably good live.

"And God said unto Abraham, if thou shalt driveth thine bitchin' ride, thou shalt driveth fast, hard and with complete disregard for public safety. Amen."

Hahahaha!

Nice.

+1 elevator to the top (during the rapture).

+1 "yes" to VIP sleaze.