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Surfing, Like Most Things, Is Better With Flares

I bet you're just a hit at dinner parties!

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UC Davis! Arizona State! Watch what happens when a school with a great agricultural program meets a school with a great...umm...number of whores! Tonight at 7pm pacific! Only on..some channel you probably don't get anyway!

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Coincidentally, my barber gave me his opinion on my penis the last time I got my haircut.

At my best friend's wedding I was worried that people would notice my stutter, so I did what any rational person would do; I paid a hobo $50 to masturbate loudly in the corner of the room. You may never guess, but nobody even noticed my stutter!...or anything I had to say, really! Foolproof idea!

"Good job, kids! You've proven that you can spell the name of our humble state! Now spell the word that describes the feeling that comes over your parents when they tell their friends where you go to school!"

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The NHL wishes they could get Maroon 5 to perform for them instead because they've heard the band has the Moves Like Jagr.

And it was at that moment, when he took the head coaching job at The U, that Al Golden learned of his Midas-like special power. From that moment on, everything he touched turned fowl.

Get the psychological (and bullshit) advantage is how my television's program guide promotes episodes of Dr. Phil.

...slave?

Yes! Hold on, I'll pick you up in my racecar!

And who can forget their beautiful song about anal fissures; "Poop Will Tear Us Apart".

I'd also like to see a court repeal DC's restrictive Anti-SLAPP THAT ASS law. With all of the economic problems this country is facing, government should focus on tackling the important issues and stop wasting their time protecting the derrieres of a bunch of chickenheads in a club. Right, bros?! (puts hand up for…

I'm deathly afraid of people smelling or even thinking about my poop. But that has more to do with the fact that palindromes freak me out.

In related news, Lenny Dykstra's potential purchase of a strawberry cheese danish at Dunkin' Donuts fell through this morning after he failed to produce $1.49.

A scene from a random breakfast nook tomorrow morning: