Screengrab: Darron Thomas reminds ESPN about one of the Five W's of Journalism.

Skip is definitely gay. Why, I even overheard a lady linking him to someone she referred to as "my Lou" the other day!

Once upon a time one of Ben Affleck's relatives thought about setting an exceptional record, but then he remembered that Afflecks don't have any talent.

Ha!

Dickie V dreams of shooting a similar promo with his mouth full alongside Coach K, but there isn't any grass involved in his version.

Does "real value" include the stripper abortion?

I have a generic gripe about this video that I'd like to see fixed immediately!

let's play Ohio Or Florida!

Nice.

To boil this post down to its essence...

A bitter dispatch from Ohio:

Michele Bachmann: "Wow Marcus, have you heard about this story? It's about a bunch of big football players."

Is any decision I make in life truly meaningful? Or are we just hurtling through the universe making pointless decisions and placing importance on things that aren't really important? Also, why is my cat the only person on earth who truly loves and cares about me?

Ha.

The whole incident was an unfortunate, unlikely event. Usually an object that falls on the ground in Newfoundland has a 90% chance of landing on a cushiony pile of seal blubber.

A: Maroon 5

Q: What is the most ubiquitous color of shit in the world?

A: Unicorns!

Q: What is something that's both beautiful and always horny?

Anyone else notice that Phintastic may be Pat Summitt?