In the AAF, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The players who were suckered into wasting months of their life, and the owners who will somehow cash out and profit on an obvious disaster. These are their stories.

Warriors Investigators Ask To Whom Bell Tolls

“After the two girls got into a fight about cigarettes and abused an elderly lady.”

The Goatee is the favorite of people who ask themselves this question “Have I put on weight? Hmm, how should I make it look like my chin is still there....”

Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice?

Uh, they’re more like bipedal rams, you fucking idiot.

When I was little, I would rub a small amount of toothpaste on my tongue to beat the breath smell test, and it worked. There were layers and thought put into the lie.

Exactly. Could cold-blooded, mind you, space “lizards” innards keep you warm in sub-zero temperatures all night. I think not, sir!!

Um, excuse me, tauntauns are space lizards? Have you lost your damn minds? Obviously they are cuddly space kangaroos, I mean Jesus Christ.

A deferred deal generally means the person must not commit any other crimes for a period of time before the charge is expunged. His lawyer is spinning this as an exoneration, which it is not.

Because he is right and you are wrong.

What about this throwback jam?

This is disingenuous. Do not pretend as if the political content of splinter, deadspin, jezebel, gawker, etc are completely separate spheres. and do not pretend like the commentary is basically “everyone and everything is shit (particularly competing sites) and while we pretend to be no-bullshit truth tellers, people…

You showed him...

Waiting on bated breath for the new single featuring James Dolan.

at least there’s a possibility that someone strikes out in free agency and talks themselves into “yeah, but Wall is still an All-Star with tons of talent, so maybe...”

If it was Sbarro’s he got ripped off.

Because you said “pretzel” and because it’s a personal top 5 Simpsons clip...

I find Shams a bit disingenuous here. He is literally reporting on a “story” where he is the subject. Trade details were leaked to him, so is there some qualification that we are missing? On Feb. 1, Shams published tweets that appear to present a Pelican’s sided view of the initial trade offers. Are we supposed to…

Trousers?