And...in somewhat of a nod to the ‘Silence of the Lambs’...have someone visit that fancy penitentiary every night and shove a huge (18" or more) dildo up his fat, orange asshole as far as it will go, rotate it at least 20 times and then yank it out of there as fast as they can (any woman who has been fucked in the ass…

Shit! It looks like it should be called the “Buttermilk Diet”...you know drink 3 quarts of buttermilk every day.

and went to the prom with another girl!

No such thing a “time blindness”. If you can tell time you can be on time! Simple as that!

What it is all about is that you are a fucking douchebag who needs to grow up and start being a real person! Either that or become a fucking hermit who does not make any plans with other people. Try that “I’ll get there when I get there” for something real important!

So I guess what you’re really saying is that Donald Trump...that complete fucking asshole...was being discourteous to Queen Elizabeth?

The next time you go through that bullshit with the 4-year old, simply punch her...real hard...right in the fucking esophagus...and then piss on her face when she’s retching on the floor! You’ll never have the problem again.

Well, just consider the source. Look at how her fucking father dresses...you know the oversized suit, the too-long tie and the goddamn $6 haircut!

Nah...they’re just being low-class, under-educated, ridiculous, arrogant Americans...you know...what the Republican party was built on!  The only thing they’re being wilful sblut is beoing fucking stupid!

The way to deal with Ellen and get her support in anything you do, is to give her a fabulous rim job leading up to what you want her to do for you. I mean, how bad can her asshole really taste?

The prosthetic teeth used by Midler are the same ones she wears when she’s sucking cock!  Beware if she ever asks you if you want a blow job!

Well...the kid on the left is crying because he’s just had to pry the apple from his asshole where it was jammed by someone while his face was underwater “bobbing”. The other kids are crying because they know that their turn is coming soon and they’re trying to relax their assholes and hoping that they get a smaller…

The whole issue of abortion will never affect Ivanka personally. I have it on impeccably good authority that she only takes it up the ass...mostly from well hung, young black dudes.  Which, or course, plays right into hubby Jared’s hands.  He likes to take it up the ass from well hung, young black dudes too.

I think your idea was probably terrific. I was 16 and had a really terrific girlfriend with an outgoing mother. One night I called on my girlfriend at her house out only to find out that she was at the mall with her girlfriends for a while. I started talking to the mom, things got a little too close and the next thing…

You could have extricated yourself from the situation quite easily by leaning down and whispering into the babysitter’s ear “Wow that’s great news! I’ve always fancied fucking a fatty in the asshole. Let’s go someplace where we can be alone!  Unless of course you want to bring your sister!”

Good thing you didn’t also burp. There is scientific evidence that if you burp, fart and sneeze at the exact same time you will die because all of the air will be forced out of your body and the external pressure will collapse all of your bones etc. Good thing!

You should have responded “it is underwear mom, when I was getting dressed after fucking my boss and his wife this morning, I guess I put my clothes back on in the wrong order!”

and added “at least unless my mom’s invited to join in”

No...but the kid who got the “My mom thinks you’re the size of a grown man.” card proved it to you mom the next day. Which is why she had trouble sitting still at the dinner table...her asshole hurt too much!”

What you have to learn is not to slip them the tongue!