All bark and no bite!

Well, my parents are invested in flying cars. But I am much saner. When you Google me my top result is the petition I signed to clone Elvis😂

Lemmie try to make you feel better: when I was in middle school, my grade put on a performance of The Wiz even thought we had literally zero black people a class of 70-ish students. Imagine a group of white kids (and a handful of Asian students) singing and dancing to Ease on Down the Road. Looking back, I still can’t…

I sang in the D.A.R.E. choir.

To this entire family:

I found this particular comment on media matters that just about sums it up:

For a moment I thought you wrote “Satan is 100% white” and I was like: That’s a Megyn Kelly message I can get behind.

I have such a complicated relationship with Louis CK...He’s the Megyn Kelly of comedy to me.

I don’t want Canadian anything. I learned that the hard way after ordering Canadian bacon.

Treason, sedition and rape. Man, that’ll be one sweet post-election party.

My dream scenario is that not only does trump lose the election, but ends up on trial for treason.

Can I pay $2000 for them to tell my significant other for me?

Yep, even as I sit on my hands so I don’t tweet 140 eyeroll emojis to the FBI. Can we get this nightmare election over now?

Which assistant was it, anyway?She rolls 10 deep. Was it the one who holds up Mariah’s boobs?

I am a banana.

But it’s okay, poor people will get a prebate check to offset the disproportionate impact on them!

“I’VE HAD SO MAN PEOPLE GET IN MY FACE AND CALL ME AN IDIOT!”- Says the idiot as he gets in someone’s face.

Interviewer melts down: “I DONT FUCKING KNOW!”