Whatever it takes to bring back krumhorn as a popular musical instrument...

Well, checkmate: Neglect the island long enough and those people start moving out. To the mainland. By the millions. Where, by electoral magic, their votes suddenly start counting . . .

Plus, by moving to mainland states, their votes suddenly start counting . . .

To think he worked his way up from a humble robotic cab driver...

Yes: I can only stomach peppermint schnapps. None of that cinnamon shit for my sensitive tummy.

One’s mileage may vary. I drank a bunch of peppermint schnapps and then had sex with an Indian girl.

Or you could read a book.

If you believe sociological studies, y’know what happens to child geniuses? Like, the kinds of kids you periodically hear about who go to college at age 12? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. They do not remain intellectually 10 years above their peers. They do not cure cancer or invent fusion. They graduate, then get…

Kaley isn’t a real name. Seriously, it’s that kind of shit (altong with the dozen-odd boys in my son’s elementary school ALL NAMED ‘[1 or 2 consonants]+ADEN’) that makes me extremely sympathetic to those European countries that have laws against giving children made-up names.

Whoa, whoa careful: That’s a load-bearing column of the entire sitcom universe you’re kicking at right there . . .

It couldn’t possibly be because The Big Bang was never particularly funny and none of the characters on it—and ESPECIALLY not Sheldon—were at all likeable?

Here’s to a future in which Trump—or really ANY president—descends the stairs from Air Force One and ends up at least knee-deep in water when s/he gets to ground level.

Sex is awful. Sex is not worth it. We would all be happier without sex.

/shart

Yup, you read that right: six Hobbit films.

I’m willing to tolerate these only as a SUPER deadpan satire of high-stakes testing in schools and/or the ridiculous extremes to which adolescent sports are now pushed.

I’m with you on this. The Maze Runner series is like Fast’n’Furious, or the ‘Dark Universe’ films or the current round of Narnia films: Unless you’re super plugged-into them, you’ll be on a business trip and flip on your hotel room TV and suddenly learn there are like 7 or 8 of the things.

[jacking off gesture]

It is noteworthy

Maybe you don’t understand just how much of a non-jock I was/am...