A+ for effort.

The woman was given a citation, and the man was handcuffed and taken to jail.

I was...unsuccessful.

Are you now, or have you ever been a teacher? I'm NOT saying stepping on kids is fun, but if you happen to have a dream about doing it, and you wake up from the dream smiling, I'd say that's ok in the cosmic scheme of things. Then you take your Wellbutrin and Zanax and go off to your classroom with a big smile on…

I said this on the Wedding Kinja thing, but a trend that's apparently restricted to my group of friends is to present the wedding bouquet to grandparents or some other long-married couple (or on one occasion, a long-married woman who was widowed) among the wedding guests. It's all the cuteness and so much less awkward…

This is some deep bridal football shit, you bribe half of the bridesmaids to get them to play defense for you, leaving you free to go deep and make the interception.

Why, you charming little charlatan!

When I was 14 or 15, I participated in a summer live-in college prep program at the local university. There were, IIRC, 125 other high-school kids, along with a dozen or so staff and instructors. At the beginning of the program, they distributed a whole lot of paperwork that most people never read, including a list of…

A nice sociopath. *wears badge proudly*

That I'm not just a dog on the Internet.

I made my husband think our baby was going to be a girl, when I knew I was having a boy.

I cheated on a test in first grade. My mom was very proud that I aced it. I HAVE CARRIED THE GUILT WITH ME FOR TWO DECADES.

While I agree that most often times honesty is the best policy, fuck that guy for calling you damaged goods.

The biggest lie I've ever gotten away with was my first boyfriend after my abusive ex. I lied to him that I was a virgin, I told them I was just always nervous when it comes to sex, and I told him the scarring and bruising on my back was from a biking accident. He went to a different school, so he hadn't heard what…

Eleven week pregnant with number two here and can I please just say this: BEST.MATERNITY.ADVICE.EVER.

bless you forever; just found out this morning that I'm a pregnaut and I now have a reason to stock up on awesome caftans & muumuus

Things doctors pull out of people, ranked: 1. Appendix 2. Teeth 3. 401K 4. Satanic spirits 5. Blatant lies as to their dietary habits 6. Beer bottles from the anus. 7. Balloons full of heroin 8. Blood 9. Kidney Stones 10. Your soul.