This is a joke Anthony Jeselnik would be proud of.

Suicide. Is there a shortcut this guy won’t take?

“Historically there just weren’t any black mermaids”

They should recruit Scott Sterling.

“This presumes of course, that there is a right way to play...”

Warriors Revolution: What if we play basketball based on absurd 3-point shooting and spacing, creating openings with swift ball movement and requiring defenses to guard shots previously thought impossible? We’ll play with a small, quick lineup, that will outpace slower, larger players, making them either lose on…

This is why no one likes The Rockets.

I’m in for the hot take of “the voters just dislike Harden” because maybe someone will learn that constantly being an asshole comes back to bite you sometimes.

The Rockets organization has cemented its place as garbage in my heart for the Twitter post. If they out a period after “Congrats to the new MVP” it would have been classy. Everything after that was a trash fire and they are garbage.

Result: Judge’s Decision (Toe-Holed)

but man, this is not at all how it was supposed to go!

Uber religious...there’s the problem.

It’s a lock that this story is going to get weirder before it gets normaler. 

I don’t really understand this one. They’re upset that they bunted to break up a no-hitter. But they failed to defend the batter from hitting the ball with his bat and getting on base. Does a no-hitter feel good if you know the opponent didn’t actually try to get a hit?

All the jokes on this post so far are terrible, but yours is especially terrible for how thirsty it is.  

Dumbass. That’s why the cheap seats are always behind home plate, right? Because no one wants to look through a net, right? Growing up, my grandpa always got baller seats behind home (second row, just behind the pitching assistant who radar gunned every pitch) and I tell you it fucking rules. Literally no one cares…

One of the most legendary QBs ever. Maybe if he showed his dick at some point or posted something stupid on Twitter he’d have been worthy of an actual headline. Great job Deadspin.

The true GOAT.

Ah, yes, why must we address exploitation, poverty, deforestation, destruction of natural habitats and ecosystems, global warming, etc. when we could just have MOAR GUNS! SHOOTING STUFF SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS!

Video of the incident comes from TMZ, and begins after Pressly has already come over to the fan, so we don’t hear any of the actual taunts.