Mark, I used to get panic attacks from weed, but then I started taking Lexapro and now I don't get panic attacks from weed. Mostly don't, anyway. With or without weed. So if you want to start smoking weed you could try an SSRI! Or it might not work.

In short, weed is cool. Not as cool as grandmas, but cool.

I don't think ladies were Playgirl's primary demographic.

oh god juan-uary oh god A BILLION DOLLAR RAISE FOR THAT PERSON

I like how they call this guy All-American to differentiate him from Juan Pablo, when Juan Pablo was born in Ithaca, New York. It's impossible to be "exotic" when you're from Ithaca.

In 10,000 years, high schoolers will still be buying TI graphing calculators with crappy graphics. And they'll still cost $90.

My favorite zippy comeback line is one I got from my boss. She was working the till, and chatting with an old lady who comes in to buy vegetables sometimes. Boss says something innocuous, like, "Oh, do you enjoy cooking?" And the old lady says, "Sweetie, when we got married I told my husband to pick one room for me to…

Right, cuz Faith Hill and Kate Walsh are real uggos. Go jump back up your mother, hobgoblin.

I got caught NOT masturbating, but got blamed for it anyway.

I always worry about getting jelly-legged, falling over and knocking myself out on the toilet seat. That's no way for your in-laws to find you, laying on their bathroom floor with pants around your ankes and your cum floating around in their toilet.

Glamour?!?

Straight out bragging here. I buy boxes of full size candy at Costco and give them all out. I live on a corner in a really nice house and light up the yard with inflatable ghosts and spiders and pumpkins so everyone knows there is candy here. Lots of kids get driven to the neighborhood (we see the cars) and I have a…

Sam Adam's Small Dick Summer Ale wasn't a big seller.

I think the problem you're having Drew is that you're eating talapia. Tilapia is pretty delicious with lemon and dill. Also, the worst fish is anything they sell at the ethnic grocery store for $2.99 a pound (I'm looking at you, buffalo carp)

Given that the NFL is caving in even more to the "Act Like You've Been There Before, Sonny!" set...

I also have a thing for women in business attire. I completed an entire MBA program without losing my erection.

even worse, they are known to stick to the bottom of your foot, so when you stop hopping around and swearing and go to put your foot down, you get to experience the pain all over again!

As a blissfully child-free adult, one of the joys of Christmas for me is buying noisy, annoying toys for my friends kids. When my nephew was about 5, I got him a little drum set. My sister still bitches me out for it and the kid is like 25 now. The next year, I got him one of those really loud orange survival…

Oh god, as someone who has Legos that run from the size of a child's fist to the size of my finger nail, I laughed so hard, people are looking at me funny at work. All the curse words my kids know are a direct result of me stepping on a Lego.

As a parent, I give 0% approval to Legos and anything that has small parts that are going to cause you to sprain your ankle in the middle of the night when all you want is a glass of water. I stepped on one of those damn things one night and I felt like I got stabbed in the bottom of my foot. I probably looked like…