I think you'd just buy a whistle then.

I can't even whistle as an adult! I'm almost more impressed by that than by the "elimination communication" piece, even though I'm sure it's not a regular whistle.

I did not enjoy the 4 months I had my puppy tethered to me while I housebroke him, I'm absolutely not being tethered to a child while I wait for them to make a certain face (I assume they don't start to circle or sniff too long at a place like puppies but I don't know much about kids, so maybe they do).

I would be in serious trouble because I still can't whistle at 42.

Thought Catalog is nothing but a failed humanity experiment, like eugenics or Pauly Shore.

Probably going to throw in Yakupov since you can't hang a painting without a Nail.

"This chart shows the cars most likely to be stolen... huh, this should be interesting. Surely nobody wants my boring Honda Accor—oh, shit." <- exactly what went though my mind just now.

it was hilarious, and honestly if you are making your kid watch the redskins-browns preseason game, you're a shitty parent and your kid is doomed anyways....

Actually he was showing everyone how many games he'll win for the Browns this year.

Good try by Manziel's agent here:

If you want to get your gal to break up with you, just show her your prolapse porn. EASY PEASY.Or a hot picture of Brezhnev.

Wait what? I don't remember that.

"In hindsight, all the warning signs were there"? All the warning signs that he was going to fake his own death.

Ugh. Everyone knows you fake amnesia, not death! Gawd, millennials, get your shit together!

Well, that's just plain awful. As someone who was in the military, I can speak to the amount of damage all of this infidelity and drama do, and how much more prolific it is in the military compared to the civilian world.

He must not like Mondays either.

I actually got my hands on the very card Jones was trying to hand in; the legibility is shaky, so pardon my transcription:

If you listen closely to this picture, you can hear Fred Durst's anguished screaming emanating from Lorenzen's stomach.