Can't afford to pay pensions to retirees; can afford money for sports. Priorities.

I used to play Minecraft and imagine that the zombies, skeletons, and creepers were all stewards of the land and hell bent on protecting it from the industrialization and deforestation committed by Steve.

Well, shit. Clearly Al Qaeda was right about us.

"He's such a distraction. Mainly his creamy hamstrings and dreamy eyes."

Well, c'mon, you can't expect coaches and administrators to cut back on their green fees and vacation houses just so some underprivileged linebackers can eat dinner every night.

That's a good point.

Marchand just signed up to have a fan drive a golf ball of off his nose.

For the most part I would say no, special clothing doesn't matter. Unless you're an elite athlete and/or specialist there's no real advantage. I'm also looking at it like this: if your heart's not in what you're doing then $300 worth of LeBron moisture-wicking crotch doilies isn't going to help, it will just make…

Unfortunately placed Play icon?

"Please don't make me do this photo shoot."

"You will be punished severely if my deli tray order arrives in an unacceptable condition."

Well, I would've but this is what I imagine someone's arms would look like if they subsisted on a steady diet of Dortitos laced with steroids.

Doritos: Pixeled?

It's only a matter of time.

9. The epistemological argument as pertains to why can't Butch learn how to fucking properly install conduit?

It's like he's morphing into Tito Ortiz.

There needs to be a special Buzz Osborne limited edition.