The Cowboys flicked, like a dry booger, back into the miserable soup of football mediocrity for another year...and done in (in part) by a fat guy. I cannot stop smiling about this. My God, this is why I care about sports. It's for moments like these. I'm gonna order another beer.

God, those Eagles fans are uniquely awful in the NFL.

I was on this game and I thought about tipping them but I couldn't find video and wasn't sure it was all that unique. But I had never seen anything like this before and I thought it was awesome.

As someone who masturbates FEROCIOUSLY over his own comments, I wholeheartedly endorse. Look at how charmingly self-deprecating I'm being, I tell myself, straining to clench firmer and jerk faster.

You are a idiot and if I get a chance I will poop on your head take a picture and hang it on Trumps wall. Looks like the snowflakes do not know what a 5 gallon bucket is for.

He is Ris'n.

This is obnoxious but since I am also an Eagles fan, you may have your star.

This is the good shit right here.

It's the "unscheduled." As though Dr. J was like "Surprise! It's time for a colonoscopy," while snapping on latex gloves.

I have been a sweetie at various points in my life, and I’m here to tell you that cold feet are 1. inevitable and 2. a punishment from hell for all of my sins. Right when I’m just baaaarely dozing in a bed I think is warm and secure and safe, I’m so comfortable and sleepy and then out of nowhere I’m stabbed with a…

I am honestly flabbergasted at how you manage these just putrid, tortured takes. Let’s go to the googles:

I think there’s a chance he makes it. Before I get piled on here for ignorance, this is the part where I roll everyone’s eyes out of their skulls and state that I played college football (I was a shitty, underweight TE on a shirty underweight team).

Sir, I like the cut of your jib.

I was wondering if Jim Thorpe was involved there, it rang a bell (and then I didn’t research at all). Thanks for the tip.

Anyone else have Scott Joplin bouncing around in your head while reading this article?

IIIIIIIIIIIIII dunno man. This seems like some tinfoil hattery to me. Ball gets tipped, and the trajectory doesn’t change? You can only see like the first 7/43rds of the trajectory BEFORE the tip happens, and you’re saying that’s enough to determine for sure that the tip DIDN’T alter it by even a few inches? That even…

Well, I’ll be a greased Jesus. Once again Deadspin and its community come through for me.

My god, I am so, so relieved that Notre Dame got flicked into the garbage can like a stale, half-eaten French fry. My sister went there for her Ph.D and so my family roots for them which I guess is KINDA fair, and they don't understand why I think they are so gross. Mostly the entitlement. I need a haters guide to…

Just go for a Jeff Daniels look, it'll work, trust me.

Shout out to Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain. I see you.