Exactly! Find the people who made this commercial, encase them in a block of cement with Ajit Pai, and offload them in the middle of the fucking ocean. The Arctic Ocean at that. No one will ever bother to recover their remains then.

What did you expect? Welcome, sonny? Make yourself at home? Marry my daughter?

Dusty wasn’t deliberately overusing his pitchers, he just sometimes let his standing micronaps turn into actual naps, and no one noticed.

Speaking as a casual NBA fan who tunes in for Christmas, the playoffs, and whatever’s on when I’m in a bar, this is an incredible piece. It could just have been a Dusty Baker-style hot-take, but you did a very effective job of laying out Thib’s tactical contributions in a way that unlocks shorthand for the rest of us…

Right. It’s like saying, “All I need to be a millionaire is a million dollars.”

This is about Alabama guys, the black vote carried the night and Trump blames her because they are all friends of hers and she couldn’t get them to vote for him.

Hopefully it inflicted the damage I’m hoping for (blew off his own dick).

Oh yeah okay let’s just walk down to Times Square, bypass the perimeter, first responders, NYPD, PAPD, and the FEDS and media, and snap a photo of the Port Authority Terminal.

...its Venmo competition... #correction

first season prediction: they maximize myriad robust synergies whilst simultaneously leveraging pre-existing yet forward looking infrastructure methodologies. also, lose a lot.

“Is there a calculator for people who don’t live permanently in the year 1990 and do actual modern contract work as a sole-proprietor LLC?”

I was going to a Tarot reader, but my horoscope advised against seeking outside counsel today, so I stayed home to work on my wish list for Santa and debated what to do with the money the Tooth Fairy is going to leave me tonight, but I saw Joel Osteen on TV and decided to send him the money so he would save my eternal…

Vehement? Nah. Amusedly contemptuous? You betcha.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.  Steven Wright

Other working titles:

1. Pick a card, literally any one will do.

Next week on Lifehacker: How to Make Your Own Cootie Catcher and Use It To Tell Fortunes

The “companion” is an “I’ve berated an assistant manager at Kohl’s on Black Friday” starter pack.

Better is always a highly subjective matter and not just about the item itself. Either card can be a better fit depending on the specific needs, priorities and preferences of the individuals. The cards have some similarities but there are also significant differences. I’ve found both to be “better” at different times…

Better is always a highly subjective matter and not just about the item itself. Either card can be a better fit…