I know, I'm asking a lot. This is why I'm not married. 

Entitled, Dating: for those who may be murdered on their way to, during, after a date or 6 years later by Chet from accounting who thought we were in a long term relationship since that one time I pointed out the BBQ sauce on his tie.

I mean... it’s exaggerated a bit (like maybe only 2 people know where my date is- and for sure not my mom or my sister who will tell my mom- and sometimes I bring a tazer instead of the 2nd can of mace, and who am I kidding, I’m getting the steak) but while you all are practicing your ‘that’s what she said!’ jokes in…

“It’s less about impressing women than it is ensuring that they are not profoundly horrified by you.”

I’m just gonna post this here in anticipation of anyone who thinks that getting a flu shot isn’t important.

I love your optimism, but the truth is they’re crushing terrible teams, and having trouble with the good ones.

Its just the frame.

Dear Baker,

Always good to remind the Penn State community that it’s ok to hug someone if they said yes.

No, no, no - you got it all wrong - she said

Why isn’t this thing already parked at one end of the Vegas strip, operating as a nightclub with the name “The Mile High Club”?

She’s one of the most unfairly criticized, and mistreated athletes in her profession. What you call “worship” others call balancing the scale to the poor treatment she often receives

I’ve found Plankton!!!

And a former president wasn’t for gay marriage until he legalized it nationally and now we have that. Lincoln wasn’t perfect, but after getting to know Frederick Douglas his views evolved and changed. They didn’t get perfected and when he died he still probably held onto some problematic beliefs. Ultimately he did the…

That was insane.  Not a single person wearing a seat belt!

Banks have them too - ask me how I know.

This took place in Des Moines, Iowa, not Lubbock, Texas.

Everybody Wang Chung tonight, motherfucker!