or

Because we’re STAUNCH!

To all the thrift store and garage sale loving ladies out there, can I just brag about my find today? I found a Heritage Henredon side table valued at $2300 for $5.

Sorry for your loss. Peanut Butter the Psycho gifted us with three kittens- they are all deliriously batty and growing right into the asshole genetics they have rightly earned. (We believe the father is a feral cat that PBtP snuck into the house at grave risk) I was trying to eat today and they just would NOT leave me…

Also: Big Boo.

I actually drive better after indulging in the tears of bigots - I concentrate more on driving.

It was my friend’s wedding in Savannah. I was a bridesmaid. The groom’s brother went up to my room with me, to “put some wine bottles in the fridge”. Then, he did the best thing someone has ever done to me: he helped me take out ever single bobby pin from my updo and then massaged my scalp. . . .

I am not a hookup person. The story that follows was made possible by a combination of extraordinary factors, leading to a story that has become a legend in my circle of friends.

Back in the 80s, a friend from college invited me to be her bridesmaid. We lived hundreds of miles from each other, and had only exchanged brief letters in the years since graduation. I shouldn’t have accepted, but I thought it would be fun to see her and the people we used to hang out with.

Stella was very bland. She seemed like a plot device for Piper, nothing more.

My cat, who once opened a microwave oven while the popcorn was popping, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once destroyed a floor-to-ceiling lamp with her butt, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once fell off a bookshelf at 3 AM only to land butt-first on my face (catass…

All these people need punched.

Poor, poor hosts. Man, though: a good host is not a thing to be taken lightly. They’re a rare and precious resource.

Cats are better at being dogs than dogs are. Another win for Team Cat HQ.

You’d think by now that Baby Boomers would know that Millennials all got screwed by the “go to college, get a job worth having” mentality. Now we’re all working shit jobs that don’t cover the bills much less the student loans.

Ugh, boomer-aged male tourists are the worst. I occasionally get one who pries into my education level and then tries to offer me unsolicited advice, assuming I’m some lowly scullery maid or something. Actually, I run the place, I’m home by noon every day, and I have all the time in the world to work on my marginally…

Uggghhh it's times like those you wish you could magically un-fuck someone!

The moment I meet my very short, balding blind date, he skips the introductions to say this:

And people are still blaming what happened to those innocent people on mental illness. White people must be humanized at all costs. Notice that when the police found him, they gave him a vest and didn’t handcuff him. The life of a white man who kills black people has value but the life of a black child who holds a…

stiiiiiillll in love with her. But she’s kinda wimpy this season. I like cute rockabilly drug-lord Alex.