Paul Blart Mall Cop 2: Paul & Paula*
The tender but horrific tale of a bloated loser and a disgraced fatty killer

You do know, don't you. that on the alternate digital channel they regularly broadcast the uncensored, uncut episodes of King of Queens with Kevin James engaged in fully explicit graphic donut rape?

I would probably write something insulting in response to your comment, if but I possessed the rudimentary cognitive skills to appreciate the nuanced, subtle poetry of your eloquent and inspiring message of hope. A-Doy!

Tagline: A little help here?

Soylent Green is People!!!

The Wire is the story of a pair of unlikely partners - a handsome white womanizer and a black fat drunk - attempting to do good work but constantly being undermined by corrupt, inept, misguided higher authorities, exactly like CSI.

Yes, and aren't the fat-people-falling-down sight gags handled in such a very dignified, elegant manner on the Downton?

Only a semi intelligent, self satisfied, uptight bore would take such satisfaction in denigrating a film as harmlessly fun and silly as Paul Blart. If you can't find it within your cold, shriveled raisin of a heart to appreciate the simple, innocent pleasure of Kevin James' natural physical comedic talents then you…

Simultaneously? No, his bloated elephantine father - waddling hurriedly over to a funnel cake vending cart - first slipped on the comical banana peel, and then his rotund behemoth of a mother lumbered over to assist him but, alas, the monstrous sea cow likewise toppled on the prank fruit peel.

So that means that we - the innocent and loyal AV Club readers - are the ones getting repeatedly smacked by O'Neal's relentless rakes-to-the-face barrage of fat-guy-falling-down jokes.

No it isn't. So there.

Oh Jebus in air conditioned heaven, Europeans have the fucking worst taste in Pop music. The fucking worst. And this extends to that infantile fetish music to which you are referring. Their insane adoration of horrible Metal is proof that there's a lot America has to regret about having twice rescued their silly asses.

Really? That's unbelievable.

"Ralphie, get off the stage, sweetheart."

That's never been proven in a court of law.

Puerto whatan?!

Of course. Delawareans need their lawns cut and restaurant tables cleared, you bigoted racist.

That's heavy, man.

Pointless Nudity - Never in the history of abstract language have two less compatible, less harmonious words been so carelessly uttered in tandem!

Mmmm, yeah, they suck even more than Queens of the Stone Age.