I never thought I would see the day when Brad Pitt was single and George Clooney was married. These are strange days.

Seriously though, I wanted this to happen just so she could take the opportunity to remind all the tabloids and gossip rags to openly mourn and clutch the pearls over Brad’s single status as was done to her for so many years.

Yeah, if we want to be shallow (and why the hell not, this is a Dirt Bag post), we can point out that Jen has since moved on to a younger and very handsome man who appears to bathe far more often than her ex. Why would anyone think that she’s still secretly pining for Pitt?

I have a feeling the first thing Jennifer Aniston thought when she heard the news that Brad and Angelina had split up was “oh for fuck’s sake, now everyone’s going to badger me for a comment”.

“It’s boring to sort of comment on anything else.”

You can tell it’s delicious by how yellow it is.

If Brad Pitt wants the public to ignore his divorce he should have Terrence Malick direct it.

My drive time divas have been giving Jen and Justin endless shit for years,

Shit I’m just happy being able to look at Justin Thoreaux so I’m sure she’s fine

It’s because he’s one of those ignorant people who conflate their personal prejudices with “common sense.” He’s like every racist grandmother who claims “blacks and hispanics are lazy, that’s just a FACT!”

Yes, the “really mean ads” that use his own quotes. It’s so delicious.

I’m 100% sure Kellyanne Conway did her level best to drill into his head how devastating the misogyny is (those ads are killing him), but it just didn’t register. He doesn’t seem to understand that it’s a problem for women, who are more than half of voters, as well as thinking men, or those with daughters and…

Even those fuckers at Fox are starting to realize the kind of monster they’ve created. We are truly living through some interesting times, folks.

I love how their faces kind of collectively freeze as he starts to talk about Ms. Universe having “gained a lot of weight.” Like they’re all thinking “Shut up shut up SHUT UP WHAT ARE YOU DOING.”

I’m still stunned from the moment Trump doubled down on the concept of turning our armed forces into global mercenaries “we defend them? Let them pay for it” to the point that Hillary felt the need to turn to the camera and reassure other countries that no, contrary to what Orange Cheeto just said, the US will uphold…

My favorite was when he asked what would happen if she got pregnant and she’s like ‘yahhh... let me send you some brochures that might clear that up for you”

She has such a fantastic sense of humour. I keep hearing all this stuff about how “severe” she is, but no...she’s just professional. She’s super cute and funny, which are apparently necessary when you’re a woman.

I love funny Hillary. I want more funny Hillary.

“I believe that both candidates have the intention of making the country a safer and stronger place for every American, they just have different ideas about how we get there.”

So strange and surreal how mildly triggering this story has become for me. All the speculation and parsing what exactly happened, I find myself imaginging it from Maddox’s perspective and thinking how he must be feeling right now. My heart goes out to him.