When I was 15 I used to steal my parents car in the middle of the night, drive 15 miles through LA to my girlfriend's apartment, where she would sneak up to the roof so as to avoid her ex naval officer father hearing us and subsequently murdering me, and have gross teenager sex until 6am. Then, because my girlfriend…

God I hope so, the idea of a bunch of squealing Twilight fan-girls all now feeling obligated to go and see David Cronenberg films tickles me greatly.

Yep! I'm actually kind of surprised she's the one receiving jealous hatemail here and not RPatz.

I dont think its either. I think he's actually trying to say "If we lowered our voice the way we do when we say Negroes (like its a bad word) and the way we do when we say actors (like its also a bad word) then we would be speaking in such hushed tones that no one would be able to hear us." Dumb joke, but I don't…

Or intense psychological counseling. The twilight series has been dead and gone for a couple of years and these idiots are still obsessing.

Everytime I hear someone make a statement about black people in reference to monkeys, I feel like responding the way an actual monkey would: by throwing my shit in their face.

Well done. I love that they make it sound like she's marrying beneath her. That is awesome and funny.

I saw one that was "Enormously Successful People Marry; Feel Bad About Yourself."

I've got a shot story anthology dropping on Thursday. It isn't just a dark turn and modernization of the fairy tales. It gives power back to the powerless in the classic stories. Women are no longer the victims and their story doesn't end with true love's kiss.

Whahaha!

Nope. Wrong. Liberated women are generally enthusiastic about learning more about their bodies and what pleases them, which leads to energetic, experimental, ecstatic sex. Many men, however, don't think sex is anything they should have to work at or learn about, because apparently their Magical Dick Powers just…

How is this place different really from Saudi Arabia? The source of the laws (Koran and Hadith) is the same, the dress code is the same, the religious police are essentially the same, the punishments are the same. Nineteen people were beheaded in Saudi Arabia by the state in August. Saudi Arabia is just older as a…

If God is telling you that shit like this is what he wants, a) there's something seriously wrong with you and/or b) God is a jerk uinworthy of worship.

There are worse things to be. I mean, the world is shit and life is short. Why not fight the encroaching darkness with pumpkin cookies and a slightly manic smile? It's what I'd do if I could unclench my grip on this 2-quart bottle of bourbon.

Kris slowly sucks the life force out of him every night. It gives her more pep in the morning when she needs to bounce around from child to child, wedging her way into their daily life situations so as to attract attention to herself. Maybe now he can come back to join the living.

I'm not hip but her music is actually pretty cool! It's sort of like if Aaliyah and Bjork had a baby and Portishead performed at the birth.

So, recent news featured a royal pregnancy, the death of a famous comedian who most readers would know and care about from her red carpet coverage, the aftermath of the Brangelina wedding, and continuing opportunities to speculate about Beyonce's marriage and Mariah's divorce.

lol RPattz is dating FKA Twigs? That is delightful.

Even if you think she's the worst actress the Hollywood pipeline ever excreted (I happen to think she's fine), it's still vaguely distasteful to sneer at a woman for not giving you the facial expressions you think she should. Kristen Stewart doesn't owe you smiles.

3edgy5me