So the UFC’s future WAS a sweaty penis!

My wife and I had been separated for, oh Jesus, I’m not sure how long. I had stayed back East while she took a job with some hotshot Japanese company in L.A. We decide we’re gonna give things one last chance before the divorce so I fly out there. Her company’s Christmas party is in progress when I arrive, so I head…

aka she passed out in his room that night

I had been dating this girl for about 2 years and knew it was going south, but i did not want to end it around the holidays because i’m such a great guy. (mistake) Unfortunately i met a new girl about 3 weeks before Christmas and since i had every intention on breaking up with my current girlfriend who was in college…

This is so simple and so good.

Not a great story, mostly just makes me look like an ass, but here goes:

My wife and I took over hosting the holiday party after the previous hosts moved away. We usually have some kind of theme, either dress-up or dress-down, whatever we feel like putting out there. Anyway, when my wife gets drunk she likes to play matchmaker with the single people at our parties. As we get older, we have…

My previous company, (which was a short-lived experienced due to them filing for Chapter 11 after only a year there), used to have these really swanky Christmas parties at this high-end, members only “club” in Philly called the Union League. The corrupt jackass who ran the company was a good ole boy member there, and…

Long story short: I got kicked out of the bar my company had reserved for it’s holiday party for having sex with a co-worker in the bathroom. I am not a smart person.

So far this is the saddest story.

Not sure if this counts, but I lived in Seattle working retail for two years, and wasn’t making enough to afford a plane ticket home. So for Christmas, I made plans for some friends to come to my place so we could all commiserate. I made dinner, this unnecessarily complex version of eggplant parm that calls for…

Let my grandma try my White Russian, she loved it and had me make her one as well. 7 White Russians later and grandma knocks over the Christmas tree and has to be taken home.

Mom got drunk after grocery shopping and before cooking. Put frozen lasagna in the trash, put trash bags in the freezer and when it came time to re-heat the rolls, she put them in a paper bag, into the oven and forgot about them...Thank god IHOP is open on Xmas.

Not me personally, but the receptionist at our company (small, private company of about 85 people and their dates) decided after a few too many that it was time to go skinny dipping at the indoor pool in the hotel we had the party at.