I’ve spent 2016 thinking I could never empathize with an orange-tinted simpleton with obviously synthetic hair and a first-grader’s communication style. But hey, I stand corrected.

I’m so sorry that your childhood was so deprived you were lead to believe Tootsie Rolls are actually candy.

I hated school by senior year in high school, and my best friend had an afternoon work study job in town, so I often got “sick” at lunch and rode home with her. But the principal started just sending me to the nurse’s office, so I upped the ante and began telling him that I had suddenly started my period and had to go…

“Days before birth” at that! Ok, two things:

Fuck, how much meth are you on??

That’s an interestingly Photoshopped poster in the top image that might give the impression that his hotel is more conveniently located to Las Vegas’ premium attractions than it really is.

I appreciate and respect the sentiment, the bravery, and the integrity in taking a stand even in the face of violent opposition.

Samson had good hair tho.

I’m honestly shocked he didn’t just split the difference and start calling him Uncle Ben.

This is a tricky and awkward argument to have with someone defending his intelligence, because it hinges on the fact that the person you are talking to is even stupider than he is.

Lil Jon confirmed reports that Donald Trump called him “Uncle Tom”

There is, actually
http://fortune.com/2012/04/11/dont-mess-with-the-penny-lobby/

I forgot; who is running for president in 2016?

He volunteered to go on tv as an undecided voter in possibly the nastiest and most obvious presidential election in modern history. I’m having a really hard time mustering sympathy for him.

It’s like the worst ever elf on a shelf. (Who also happens to be another tiny, creepy, judgemental bastard. FUCK YOU EMILIO! I WAS A GOOD GIRL LAST YEAR AND I DESERVED THAT BLOW TORCH BUT CHRISTMAS MORNING COMES AROUND AND WHAT DON’T I GET? MY GODDAMNED BLOW TORCH HAVE YOU HAD CREME BRÛLÉE MADE UNDER A BROILER…

You mean, “What is it with lawyers and their proper punctuation?” ;-)

I learned to type in the mid ‘90s, and the computer program I used taught me to double space after sentences.

That’s how old people type. That’s how we were taught.

When my wife went through 40 hours of labor, I was glad that she finally knew what it felt like when I got a cold.