I sometimes note that michael’s writing reminds me of the columnist dave Barry’s absurdist satire style. and one thing they share is detailing the many weirdnesses of florida. they make some funny reads.

Hey, my mother lives in Florida, and she doesn’t go driving around on the hoods of cars, doesn’t have a confederate flag, and keeps her alligator at home. She certainly knows to wipe her prints from any devices she mails out. She certainly didn’t vote for trump.

My brother assured me ain’t no black person gonna pay for that much postage so I knew we were in the clear.

Hmmmm. Let’s check and see what Jesus said. Oh look right here in the Sermon on the Mount: “Comfort the sick.” That’s pretty straight forward.

Vibes for a continued healthy pregnancy.  

Shitty Catholic, shitty man. Compassion and love is Christlike.

There are fundamentalist assholes of every religion that would give them a run for their money.

But then how will he be able to show his moral superiority?

I have no idea if he’s a good Catholic male, but he’s a shitty pharmacist and should be fired.

You know what you're not, Mr Pharmacist? A doctor. You are not qualified to determine if a fetus is dead, or decide what drugs someone should or should not take and why. You can warn about contraindications, advise about side effects and similar, but if someone who actually went to medical school says the fetus is…

WTF. This makes me so, so angry. If you cannot do your job because you have decided to make up rules about what women can do with their bodies based on some old myths, you don’t get to have that job.

Mmmm hmmm. I get all sentimental whenever I see her because my grandma was a gray-haired, glasses-wearing, cookie-baking, Bible-studying grandma, but when she wanted to clean the house or throw a party, she would put on some Tina and dance. She knew the words and I learned to love Tina from my grandma.

Tina Turner is too extraordinary to lose in the near immediate future. I love her immensely.

Guys.  Guys.  Everywhere is terrible.

You forgot the Patriots & the Wahlbergs 

If you go back to nearly every article of someone doing some racist shit not in Florida, the first comment is always [Insert any city/State] is the Florida of [Not Southern region]

Because even the most basic ass racism gets labelled Florida racism. It would have been different if ol girl hurled a gator at her.

It’s so cute that he thinks San Francisco isn’t racist.

feel free to find florida man stories about florida man that’s really from MA and NH. im not your personal secretary.