When my ex decided to call off our wedding with zero warning, you wouldn’t believe the shit people said to me. Here was the worst:

Our ex-neighbor used to be the “resident White House mathematician” (his words). He told me numerous times that during his time there, he happened upon Huma and Hillary “doing it” in the White House pool.

It’s about damn time. I couldn’t believe Erdely wasn’t fired on the spot as soon as the story unravelled and her complete lack of journalistic investigation became apparent. Completely incompetent and irresponsible.

Oops...looks like Trump might not give him a pardon after all.

Well, it’s like a mule in a Sambo’s. Everyone knows that the hooves need trimming, but nobody wants to sell the Ten Commandments for the extra oxycodone.

Trump is like a sad cheeto, stinky and flaccid, Hillary is the woman we need, as trustworthy as a cup of Abuelita.

Let me tell you . . .

No doubt the penalty would be the same if they played football.

Maybe he slapped him because they were going to a Phillies game.

Donald, Jr. is the most slappable son. Eric is the most “thrust a crucifix in his face and dispatch him with a wooden stake”-able son.

The Kenny Rogers & Burt Reynolds Brand Discount Eye Tuck. When you want to look like a child’s drawing of an Asian person!

Exactly. Hey honey, just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it isn’t accurate.

Better than being called “sour tits” am I right?

She was hired as Trump’s current concubine specifically because of that look.

We know that our words and actions matter. Donald & I will take that same approach to our jobs as president and first lady because we know that our words and actions matter, not just to our girls, but the children across this country. Kids who tell us I saw you on TV, I wrote a report on you for school. Kids like the…

Cue the Pizza Delivery Guy.

I think they call that a step up in Slovenia.

The average guy usually makes me wish I were a lesbian.