I was foolish and bought the French Women Don't Get Fat book in college when I desperately wanted to lose weight. I took her "eat everything!" advice to heart but forgot to follow her guidelines of teeny tiny itty bitty portion sizes and I gained about 15 lbs. Oops. I am a plate-cleaning hog.

French women are like the Honey Badgers of ladydom: they just don't give une merde.

I don't know, but I'm cool with being the one that does the debriefing.

TPS reports: Total Penetration & Stimulus Reports?

I think I just fell in love with him even MOAR.

I seriously can't decide who I'm going to marry. Patten Oswalt or Mark Raffalo?

but calling it a weecat would confuse people... they'd just think it was a tiny Scottish kitten.

Yo, Mel B. is SCARY Spice. Mel C. is Sporty Spice. GET YOUR SPICE MELS STRAIGHT!

This was LITERALLY me during that whole video.*

Capitalism is destroying the sanctity of marriage. What will the GOP do? (My bet is they stick with big money).

I want to be vaccinated against Jenny McCarthy, but I heard the Jenny McCarthy vaccine causes Jenny McCarthy.

Ah, OK. Sarcasm detector fail. Whoops. Carry on. Puff puff pass, etc.

Dude, I don't cut my hair when I'm stressed, I cut my hair when I'm tipsy. I have a couple of glasses of wine and get cocky enough to think I know how to cut bangs. (I DO NOT.) I wrote a blog post a while back about how I needed to install a breathalyzer on my scissors and it was like, 10% joke, 90% fact.

OOOOOH, CAT FIGHT, AMIRITE?! Screech, hiss, whatnot, ladies, periods, "orgasms," nail polish, niche, Diva Cup, pink pink pink and also not pink pink pink. It's LADY BLOG games: Several go in... there can be only one winner... and her name is Jennifer Lawrence.

She looks like Eazy E circa 1992. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

So what you're saying is that you're white.

I totally thought this was some kind of athletic cup for ladies to wear when riding a bike or something.

The Daily Show is the new launch pad for quality talent. Like Second City leading to SNL. Good stuff

WELL THEN I GUESS YOU SHOULD'NT HAVE WORN THAT PONYTAIL YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT.

HAIR SLUT.

Something is wrong with me because I've never like cuddling. And every last guy I've spent time with in bed LOVES it and wants to get all up in my business.