I never went through a Bill Simmons phase, but I did go through a Family Guy phase as a teenager. Basically the same thing.

I noticed that once I stopped smoking pot, Simmons stopped being funny. Probably not a coincidence.

Well, there goes my whole “Simmons to Deadspin” wish.

The foldable red sauce crap? What, does your mom get frisky around that time of the month?

Bears fans are just Jets fans who prefer thick pizza...

The “damaged” tattoo is the biggest thing that annoys me about that version of the Joker. It’s so juvenile and unlike him. The kind of tattoo a teenager would find edgy.

Even her tongue is photogenic.

It's a sham, wow. I know the perfect spokesperson.

Jim, I do not think you are respecting the integrity of the #brand's visual identity guidelines.

Tens of thousands of Boston-area men offering her cunnilingus right now.

It's my understanding — and I could be completely misinformed — that this Russian women's hoops league is operated, more or less, as a real-life fantasy league for a small group of Russian billionaires. They pay the best players in the world to compete and basically win bragging rights for the team owners. Taurasi's…

Russell Carter? What team does he play for?

Worse call in the history of sports. Period.

CONGRATS TO NBCSPORTS.COM. IT ONLY TOOK THEM 30 MINUTES FOR THEIR STREAMING TO NOT SHIT THE BED!!!!!!!

A couple of seconds later, he had the Philip Rivers, "I'm about to cry" face.

In fairness, Pereira is about 12 Tito's deep right now.

Darius Kasparaitis nods in approval