It’s 1989.

I just uttered a little gasp of joy when it fell. Then I hoped no one was hurt. But first, schadenfreude.

It’s weird how nutballs people are about celebrity’s kids. I once ate at the same restaurant as Suri Cruz when she was about 6...it was really horrifying to see how many grown-ass adults were waiting for her to come outside so they could snap a picture. She wasn’t even with her parents, just a nanny and like four body…

How I imagine the person who issued that statement about Chris Brown:

whhhhat are you talking about. “you simply cannot” is a nonsense statement. I always have a vaginal orgasm almost right away when penetrated by a good penis.

why. why can’t the dudes I date see that the deeply weird, systematic oppression of the female gender is a REAL THING. Here it is, guys. Right here.

Oh give me a break, you sanctimonious noodle. These spouses are given a fuller picture of the kind of person they are married to. They are given an opportunity to make an informed decision about their future. Most of the men who were able to cheat via this website did so with prostitutes, and how can anyone say that…

“...but this sucks for an awful lot of people.”

sure, fair. in that case, I revise my initial story to: “Allegedly...”

why would I make up such a dumb story? if I was, I’d at least have added some better salacious details like...he threw HER in the pool and then peed in it.

if you’re douching with a soy latte, you’re doing it wrong.

he threw my friend’s phone in a pool because she happened to catch him in the backround of a picture she was taking. pretty sure that interaction will sum up the plot of this movie.

Oh, to be clear: this isn’t a story about anyone being a dick, this is just a dick story.

It’s the late-aughts and I am living in the Hollywood Hills. It’s a Saturday night and my friend is super sick. She’s asked me come over and take care of her but first pick up some cat food and juice. No problem, I say, I’ll just hit the liquor/convenience store across the street from my place. Do I need to change out…

Okay. So first of all, my perception of truth has been deeply shaken by this whole Beyonce-preggers-not-so-much scandal, so I just have to ask a few of burning questions:

That's wonderful. I think individuals who move away from their core village of women, if they have it, are the ones who are most disconnected from this issue. They are also, likely, the loudest voices in the femishpere, due to having to forage independent paths far from and amplify their own voices to defeat…

Yeah, guy, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe it happened that one-time-long-ago but now that you're a grown man, you should know that women don't recoil in horror and disgust if you're behaving in a chill, cordial fashion and approaching the them with respect. If you're a cool guy who doesn't smell bad, you…

These are the same thing right? Some kind of gelatinous chicken?

Just wanna point out..."douchebag" is a perfect example of an anti-vagina slur that has become a universal insult. What is so inherently disgusting about a douche? Is it because it's a tool used to clean our terrifyingly icky ladycaves? The Horror.